Saturday, January 5, 2013

A human being, not a human doing

I am really not one for making New Year's Resolutions. I kind of figure, if it's that important, I should just do it now and not wait for an arbitrary date on the calendar. I have also seen people reach too high with their self-promises and crash and end up feeling worse for the experience, often consoling themselves by digging deeper into the bad habit they were trying to ditch in the first place. It's not that I am not goal-oriented. I definitely am and always have been. I have just shifted my thinking on the topic over the years.

I was recently emailing with a friend who is new to the pain world and is trying to figure out how one sanely lives in it. She asked me how I deal with the holidays since they can bring up a melancholy reflection on what used to be and what dreams were once achievable before Pain and Limitations took hold. I pondered this for a bit, the fact that I quite enjoy the holidays now but remember when they were rather tough with disappointment.

I replied to her that I have been at this so long, this IS my life so I don't really yearn for what it used to be anymore. And that only comes with time. But I do know that I made a huge leap forward in letting go of the past when I changed my focus on my goals for my life.

I used to be very career oriented and had a lot of goals about things I wanted to do. Somewhere along the line, though, I shifted from having goals about what I want to DO to having goals about what I want to BE.

My goals now, which are strived for daily, are to BE optimistic and authentic and straight-forward and compassionate and available. I can work on and achieve these goals whether I am walking 3 miles in a park, tackling a new volunteer job at my church, or hanging out in my (increasingly appreciated) recliner with an ice pack. By focusing on BEing, I am not sidelined and thrown into a funk nearly as often or as deep as when I was focusing on DOing.

I think if I focus on BEing something, the DOing will come naturally. If my goal is to BE self-disciplined, the exercise and moderate eating and smart choices about how to care for my back will all flow from that. Not that I've added being self-disciplined to my list. Although it visits regularly, self-discipline might someday be a permanent resident on my Be List. Some random day, having nothing to do with the calendar.

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