Relieved that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

Planned spontaneously at a Christmas party last year, we just got back from a long weekend in Las Vegas with some friends. We hadn't been to Vegas since 2002. On that trip, Rob and I had a hoot visiting fun museums with wax figures, Liberace's costumes, and one called Elvis-O-Rama which was exactly what we had hoped it would be. This trip? Not a painted toe made its way inside a museum. I'm not sure those museums even exist anymore. But wow, you can still see quite a lot of cultural artifacts on display in Vegas just by walking along The Strip.

A lot has changed in Las Vegas in 11 years. More casinos, more people, more walking, more restaurants, shorter dresses, higher heels. I have changed, too. I no longer live in the busy suburbs nor work in a large city. I am no longer accustomed to street noise, commute noise, urban noise. I no longer get energized by the excitement of jovial crowds.

Our first day this trip, I hated Las Vegas. The sensory input was overwhelming. Walking along the sidewalks was exhausting. Physically, yes, but more so psychologically. I felt bombarded by the blatant celebration of vices. People were walking and stumbling around with all types of open containers of alcohol, many of which were brightly colored plastic tubes the height of an average toddler. Blood shot eyes, eyes at half-mast, eyes lost in trying to focus.

As the afternoon faded into evening, the sidewalks became littered with cards advertising shows featuring naked women. The smallest of X's were strategically placed on the photos, making the attempt more laughable than suitable for under-age eyes. As the sun set, the sidewalk became a fashion show of the Short and Skanky. Women of all shapes squeezed themselves into Lycra tubes the height of that same toddler and paraded about on the most amazing array of shoes I have ever seen. Hooker Heels everywhere!

I didn't take any photos at night because that would have been creepy.
But these were some interesting daytime shoes.

As I watched this parade over the course of our trip, it was fascinating to me how unbalanced it was. Everywhere, young women were working so very hard to really dress up and present themselves as what they assume men want. So much hair product and make-up and carefully chosen outfits with lots of leg and lots of cleavage. Meanwhile, the young men looked, frankly, gross. Unshaven and unshowered, wrinkled clothes that looked slept in, unbuttoned shirts over long swim trunks, and reeking of alcohol, stale smoke, and body odor. I'm not sure at what point in our culture women lost their power in the mating game, but I'm pretty sure Gloria Steinem would be appalled were she to witness Modern Day Las Vegas.

Once I got past the shock of the noise and commotion and the "we're not in Kansas anymore" sights and smells, I was able to take a perceptual step back to simply observe my surroundings and I ended up enjoying the rest of the trip. Thank you for the pep talk, Rob!

I enjoyed watching people take pictures of themselves in front of replicas of other places. I enjoyed seeing what new hodge podge of costumed characters would try to entice me to pay them for photographs (Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Hello Kitty, Transformers, Chewbacca, and Bart Simpson were prolific. Oddly, I only saw two Elvises and three sets of Vegas Showgirls).

I'm pretty sure the yellow Crocs aren't sanctioned Disney ™ gear.

I marveled at how much The Las Vegas Strip is actually just a Disneyland for adults. Instead of The Pirates of the Caribbean, you have Treasure Island. Instead of New Orleans Square, you have The Paris Hotel. Instead of traveling from Frontierland to Adventureland to Tomorrowland, you travel from Rome (Caersar's Palace Hotel) to New York (New York New York Hotel) to (Planet) Hollywood. No comment about Fantasyland.

We had some great meals with fantastically fun waiters who made the meals an experience beyond just eating. We saw a very entertaining theater show and got some autographs and brag-worthy photos.

Penn and Teller were awesome!

We laughed ourselves silly and had some moments that will undoubtedly become retold stories for years to come. And we collected some overheard catch phrases that perfectly capture the essence of Las Vegas ("This dress doesn't pay for itself, you know" and "I've never seen anything like it. And I watch a lot of porn.").

So did I have a good time in Las Vegas? I think yes, entirely because of the people we were traveling with. Would I go again? Probably eventually, entirely as an observer. Am I glad to be back home in my quiet cow town where the loudest noises are people sighting their rifles for hunting, where the only open containers are spit cups for chew, and where all the hot girls wear glasses? You have no idea.