Ignorance is bliss…and parenting is easy!

Rob and I don’t have kids but we got to pretend to be parents for a full 13 hours a couple of days ago. Given this vast experience, we shall soon be making ourselves available for all your parenting questions. We’ve got it all figured out, just ask us.

Emma is a young teen from our church’s Youth Group that Rob and I lead. Due to some unavoidable business travel and sick relatives, Emma’s mom asked if Emma might be able to stay with us after Youth Group until the next morning when she had to be at school.

Rob and I discussed it…as we do most things…and we decided we could totally handle it. The bulk of our conversation concerned having a house guest, not about having responsibility for a kid. Because, well, that part never occurred to us. We have house guests rather frequently. It didn’t dawn on me that a 14-year-old would be any different until I later realized I might have to make her breakfast at an ungodly hour (hello 7:00am).

Emma arrived at Youth Group with all the gear she would need for the several days away from home (Emma is on tour, staying at different houses on different nights until Mom returns). I figured she would have a backpack for school and a backpack for spending the night. Silly childless me.

We stuffed our trunk with two suitcases, two backpacks, a pillow, a blanket, and a basketball.

When we got to Woodhaven – which Emma had never visited before – Emma asked where she would be sleeping. I told her we had a guest room and a dedicated bathroom she could use. Her eyes smiled and got wide as I realized she was probably usually offered a couch or a sleeping bag. Because, well, she’s a kid.

Rob asked Emma if she had homework to do. She said she didn’t. We didn’t think to question her answer. Should we have? Hmmm.

Admirably breaking my habit of offering guests a glass of wine, the three of us hung out in our living room for a bit chatting. Somewhere around 10:15pm, it occurred to me to ask Emma a question I’ve never asked a house guest before.

“Do you have a bed time?”

Emma smiled sort of sheepishly and answered, “10:00.” Oops.

We discussed timing for the next morning and I was relieved to learn Emma doesn’t really like to eat breakfast. Suddenly feeling all nurturey, I told Emma she had to eat SOMETHING in the morning before school. I offered to make her a fruit smoothie. We settled on a banana instead. Parenting is easy!

The conversation was winding down and then Emma asked, “What favorite memories do you guys have about your childhoods?”

Rob and I were both intrigued by the question, having never been asked it before.

I chatted for a bit about summer trips to Idaho and the Oregon coast to visit cousins. Rob talked about 4th of July celebrations with friends and neighbors and parades and fireworks. I then noticed Emma’s wheels spinning, trying to think of another question. I glanced at the clock. 10:35. A figurative light bulb went off.

“You’re stalling, aren’t you?” I smilingly accused Emma.

“Yeaaaaah…”

I was impressed by her honesty. But not as impressed as I was at my figuring out what she was doing. Just two hours in and I already had this parenting thing figured out. I rock!

We shuffled Emma off to bed…thankfully still in the 10 o’clock hour…agreeing to wake her up at 7:20 the next morning. I crawled into bed, set the alarm for a time typically reserved for early morning flights out of PDX, and then lay there awake…for hours.

I kept hearing Emma upstairs running water or closing a door. I didn’t want to go to sleep until I knew she was asleep. I have no idea why. Other house guests don’t affect me like that. Is this a mom thing?

The next morning, Emma was up and dressed and eating a banana right on time. Again feeling all nurturey, I asked Emma if she wanted a bottle of water to take to school. She excitedly said yes; I guess the water in the fountains at school is gross.

We were in the car 2 minutes ahead of schedule. I’m now totally confused about all those scenes in TV shows and movies and commercials where the entire family is running around like the house is on fire, trying to get out the door in the morning. I mean, you tell the kid what time you need to leave and she does it. Why all the rushing? Parenting is easy!

As we approached Emma’s school, I was caught off guard by all the traffic and the need to be so alert so early. Flashing yellow lights and school buses and adults wearing reflective gear and lots of arms waving to direct cars this way and that way. No wonder people drink coffee in the morning.

There was a definite dance routine for this whole School Drop Off thing but the steps were totally awkward, much like the Nae Nae. Emma was kind enough to give directions so that other parents didn’t honk at us for doing it wrong. I’m now convinced all driving tests should include a school drop off. Waaay more challenging…and ultimately more useful…than parallel parking.

We got Emma’s gear transferred to her next host and I felt all mom-like when I told her to have a good day at school as she slung her backpack over her shoulder. Part of me wished I had thought to pack her a PB&J sandwich, apple juice, and a Ding Dong.

Returning home, the weight and exhaustion of being a mom for 13 hours eventually consumed me. I took a two hour nap.

Maybe parenting...even the super amenable Emma...isn’t quite as easy as I thought.