Woodhaven Ramblings: FAIR 2016

A number of months ago, a friend who knows my reputation for eating fire told me about the summer arrival of the first-ever PDX Hot Sauce Expo. I excitedly “Liked” it on Facebook so I could get all the hot and spicy news and announcements for the yet-to-be-scheduled event.

Wouldn’t you know, the 2-day festival was scheduled for Days 2 and 3 of The Fair. ACK!

After several long weeks of angst, I finally decided the Expo needed my support…especially if I ever want it to return. Plus, well, they had a really cool logo of a hipster lumberjack running from peppers forming the X in PDX. I’m sort of a sucker for well-executed marketing plans.

Awesome, right? I have the t-shirt now.

So today we played hooky from The Fair to check out this inaugural gathering of fellow endorphin junkies. (Fun fact: eating spicy foods releases endorphins and other happy chemicals in your brain. When I refer to having a “pepper high” I’m not joking.)

All in all I’m glad we went.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. The hype on the Facebook page was pretty energetic, with words like “INSANE!” and “DOOM!” and “FREE!” But a number of years ago we went to a similarly charged “Fiery Foods Festival” in Albuquerque and I was woefully disappointed by the lack of heat. At least this adventure didn’t involve an airplane. (Did I mention I have a passion for spicy food? And a very accommodating husband?)

As we arrived at the entrance to the “Bridge Lot” next to Portland’s big science museum, I peeked inside and saw a lot of gravel and open space. It was just a big parking lot ringed by tents, a few food vendors, and a very impressive number of port-a-potties. Either they were expecting lots of attendees or lots of gastrointestinal issues. Either way, they were definitely prepared.

Honestly, I was not terribly impressed by the set-up.I figured we would be out of there in a half-hour or so and maybe make a spontaneous stop at The Fair along the way.

We ended up staying about two hours.

Unlike Albuquerque, the PDX vendors came to share. Every tent was offering free samples of their entire line-up. Most offered little Baskin-Robbins-like spoons for tasting. Some offered tortilla chips (the exceptionally salty Juanita’s was the most popular). One squirted their hot sauce on freshly cooked tater-tots. Unexpected and memorable! And rather tasty.

Also unlike Albuquerque, the vendors brought heat. And lots of it. The mild boring stuff was made from jalapenos. The mainstream heat was from habaneros. The really hot stuff featured ghost peppers and the Carolina Reaper – considered the hottest pepper in the world as of 2013. I sampled the full rainbow.

I made my way around the square, Rob holding my stuff and taking the occasional photo. I saw there was a bar and decided I wanted to try a hot Bloody Mary because honestly, they are never hot enough.

When in Portland one must wear one's hipster spectacles

Turns out I wasn’t a fan. Not because of the heat but because there was too much vodka and not enough tomato. I know, I know. I once sent a margarita back at a Chili’s restaurant because it was too strong. The waitress made the same face you just did!

This is also my bourbon-tasting and my PBR-tasting face

I then decided to put both feet into the fire and try the “Hottest Hot Sauce in the World” made from the Carolina Reaper pepper.

It took about 3 seconds for my hair to start sweating. About 2 more seconds and I was guzzling the Bloody Mary I had been gagging on moments prior. Three more seconds, I was doing this:

Ice ice baby

It was awesome!!!

It was about this time that I realized I had come to the Expo utterly unprepared. Because of the disappointment in Albuquerque, it didn’t occur to me to bring provisions. Instead, I had a half-empty bottle of water from the car and one lipstick-dabbed Kleenex in the bottom of my purse. That’s it to handle the grim effects of the Reaper. I felt like such a novice!

As I sat in chair under a tent trying to collect myself and the feeling in my lips and tongue, I noticed one guy who immediately had my respect. Props man. You, sir, are a professional.

He's got milk. He's brilliant.

After a few minutes of sweat and tongue scraping and that wonderful swirly feeling of endorphins doing their happy dance in my head, all systems were normal again and I finished out the pepper tour.

I ended up buying four sauces along the way, three of which are verde sauces because it is nearly impossible to find a decent green sauce with some heat. I am ecstatic that one of them is made and sold locally so I can buy more soon and often. Score!

Deciding one final snack for the road sounded good, Rob and I headed over to the longest line in the parking lot: the one for the ice cream truck. We stood there for at least 25 minutes, with a great view and ear for the “Bloody Mary Mix-Off” competition among local bartenders.

My Honey Lavender ice cream was actually worth this wait

Two women announcers gave color commentary as each pair of tenders whipped up their best Bloody Mary in 90 seconds. The women were SO EXCITED and SO LOUD and SO ENERGETIC! They noted a few times how mellow the Portland crowd was, they being from New York and apparently traveling with this Expo around the country. The women seriously could not understand why the PDX crowd was so well-behaved.

“Normally people are throwing stuff at us!” one remarked as if to dare.

Then the next pair of bartenders arrived on stage, carrying their totes of Bloody Mary supplies. One revealed her own “secret” ingredient: cannabis-infused vodka. The two New Yorkers went bonkers.

“OH MY GOD! POT VODKA! I THOUGHT I HAD SEEN EVERYTHING! OH WAIT – POT IS LEGAL HERE, ISN’T IT?!? OH MY GOD!”

Suddenly the mellowness all made sense. And suddenly the two women were discussing how they might extend their Portland visit just a few more days.

Finishing our ice cream treats, I declared the Portland Hot Sauce Expo toured to completion. We snagged a t-shirt on the way out and I noted to Rob that I felt just fine despite consuming small amounts of pepper fire for two hours. I purposefully kept my tastings small because I want to enjoy tomorrow and I want my tummy to like me.

We were doing great, my tummy and I, until about an hour ago. Now it’s all gurgly. I’m sort of nervous about what the rest of the evening might bring.

WHOO HOO!!! FINALLY some decent heat! Thank you PDX Hot Sauce Expo!!

STATS:

Walked 1,640 steps or 0.7 miles.

Meds = 2 aspirin for a crazy headache and 2 Tums because it seemed like a good idea

BURN MY TONGUE PARADE: