Monday, January 28, 2019

I'm not convinced this is really progressive

It wasn’t my intention, but I commemorated my 51st birthday with a prescription for my first-ever pair of progressively bifocally glasses. Sigh.

I had been resisting this rite of passage into middle age for at least three years. My optometrist gamely smiled at me each year as I took off my glasses to read saying, “No, no, this doesn’t bother me. I don’t mind taking them off to read. It’s really not that inconvenient.”

She knew my time would come. And so it has.

I decided to make the quintesstial leap into my early 50s as much fun as possible, so I dragged Rob around a couple of eyeglasses stores in search of some new frames. My aim was to feel spunky yet classy, contemporary yet traditional, stylish but not too arty. You know, nothing too complicated.

Rob is a very patient man.

I finally landed on some dark blue metal frames with a hint of cat-eye but hopefully not so much as to be old-lady-retro. Never ever with my dark brown Garnier #50 hair would I have considered blue frames. But with my silver hair? Spunky and stylish with a contemporary contrast! She types hopefully.

Rob took this when I was trying on the frames. 
I look content because I could see.

I picked up my new glasses today. I have been spinning with nausea ever since.

Those of you who have mastered the art of wearing progressive lenses, I commend you. You are mystical and magical. Teach me your ways! Lordy, this is a TRIP.

Rob assures me I will be fully adjusted to this warped view of the world in just a week or two. I remain skeptical. Every direction I look is distorted and fuzzy and wavy like a fun-house mirror. But if I move my head a seemingly random direction, things eerily snap into focus. I’m certain I look like a bobblehead.

Far as I can tell, about a dime-sized portion of each lens -- smack dab in the middle -- is actually useful. The rest is a Vaseline-coated smear of wasted polycarbonate. Given how expensive this fancy 3-prescriptions-in-1 technology is, my insurance and I sure paid a pretty penny for that dime.

I tried walking down a step into our garage this afternoon. I’m normally pretty good at this. Today I couldn’t get the darn thing in focus to save my life. I’m grateful I’ve had lots of practice at that step and intuitively know where it’s located. Nevertheless, there’s a good chance I looked drunk as I was stumbling around trying to confidently place my foot on the raised cement.

I prepared dinner, involving the poor judgement of using of a knife to slice a lemon. The lack of blood suggests I avoided slicing my finger. This is promising. Trimming the green beans was mostly just guess work.

Playing on my phone has admittedly been easier; I haven’t been taking off my glasses like I usually do. I’m still not sure where to hold the phone so I can see it, though. But I am adopting that distinctive Old Lady Downward Gaze with impressive speed. Go middle-aged me.

Typing this on my laptop has been entertaining. I keep bobbing my head up and down and telescoping the laptop closer and farther away, trying desperately to find that sweet spot of clarity. I eventually gave up and increased the zoom on my screen. Cheater McCheaterpants, that’s me.

Truth be told, I desperately want to retreat to my trusty single-vision glasses. The ones that don’t give me vertigo or a headache or make me feel like I’m underwater with random waves of clarity.

But I do love the blue frames, and I’ve now exhausted my 2019 vision benefit, so I must endure…for fashion’s and finance’s sake. God willing, I will be able to see before Valentine’s Day. Because we have a fantastically awful movie to watch (hint: puppets).

4 comments:

smolin said...

I tried 'em and gave up! I didn't like having to turn my head to bring the correct micro-region of focus to bear on the task at hand, instead of rotating the eyes. Some day I might give old-style split lenses a try. Good luck and post again in a week and a month.

Toni at Woodhaven said...

I've heard some people have resorted to that, Steve! I'm going to give it until Valentine's Day to assess if these are going to work for me. I will definitely post an update!

Adrian said...

I used to have a problem with new pairs of single-vision glasses because my astigmatism would change. It would always take a couple hours to adjust to a new pair, especially for driving, stairs, anything where you normally rely on your peripheral vision.

A few years ago I went with progressives, and they were OK. Got used to them in a couple hours, but the sweet spots weren't well aligned with my eyes and they turned out to be headache inducing for computer work.

Since then, I got "computer" glasses, which are single vision, optimized for my arm's length distance to the monitors. Those were life changing (and cheap!). I keep a pair by my computer at work, another by my computer at home, and a safety pair in the garage for working with power tools.

I've also since gone through several pairs of progressives. The second pair was definitely better than the first in terms of the alignment. I LOVE my latest pair. The optician took extra measurements of my face, eyes, and the frames before shipping them off to a "better" lab to make the lenses. There was no adjustment time, and all the fussiness of looking through just the right part of the lenses is gone. They're fantastic.

I'm going to stick with progressives (and computer glasses) but I'll make sure to insist that they record all the extra measurements for future pairs.

Toni at Woodhaven said...

That is very helpful info, Adrian -- THANK YOU! I didn't know extra measurements could be taken to help ease (or eliminate) the transition. I will absolutely keep that in mind if I can't seem to get used to my new glasses.

My dad has computer glasses, too. Since I lie down while computing (not ergonomic but much better for my back), my computing distance isn't typical. But I will keep that tip in mind, too. Thank you!! Aging is a trip... ;-)