Skeletons in the pantry

It's Christmastime!! Which, of course, means it is time for me to venture into the kitchen and pretend I'm domesticated.

I love cookies at Christmas, especially those peanut butter ones spiked with Hershey Kisses. But, as much as I loathe cooking, baking brings on shear panic. I think it's the fact that all the ingredients are white, therefore practically ensuring a devastating switcheroo of ingredients. Like salt and sugar. Or baking powder and baking soda. That one is particularly tricky since not only are they are both white, they both start with "baking." Nevertheless, I have both in my pantry. And have for a very, very long time.

In preparation recently for a Cookie Baking Afternoon with some young friends, I started making a list of the necessary ingredients. What ensued was a rather amusing conversation on Facebook. I've reposted it here, with some editorial comments along the way. I'll just say right now that I am planning to keep the containers and exhibit them in some fashion similar to my Fork Art. Which is another story for another time but rest assured, my history of Kitchen Gaffes is long and well-documented. And on display in my kitchen. Consider yourself warned.


My Facebook status update a week or so ago, meaning December 2011:
As if we needed any more proof of my all-out avoidance of the kitchen: In making a shopping list, it just occurred to me to see if my cornstarch and baking powder had expiration dates. Yes, they do! My cornstarch expired in Nov 2003. My baking powder expired in...wait for it...Aug 1996. And it's still half full. Oh, dear.


Kayleigh: If this makes you feel any better, Melanie was born in 1995. :p [Kayleigh is 19, Melanie is her sister. They and their younger sister were my Cookie Baking Buddies. And no, it didn't really make me feel any better.]

Rob: Does she have an expiration date?

Kayleigh: I hope not. :)

Me: Should I save it for her? You know, as a little memento of things around the time she was born? Good grief -- my baking powder could have its driver's permit!!!

Kayleigh: HAHAHA oh boy. See, instead of having kids, I just need to buy corn starch and not have to deal with changing diapers or them going through puberty! Perfect. :) [She's a smart one, that Kayleigh.]

Gretchen [Kayleigh's mom]: OH MY GOSH!!! I love you Toni! Thanks for the great laugh! Doesn't that mean that you packed them and brought them with you from California? So not only are they old, but they have travelled as well! [Oh, dear.]

Me: Excellent thinking, Kayleigh! My baking powder and cornstarch have been very quiet and largely independent in my pantry. Not a peep, no maintenance, although I do wonder if maybe they've gone bad. Which no parent wants...

Kayleigh: Oooooh... Yeah that wouldn't be good. Just go give them a scolding. :)

Me: Worse Gretchen...the reason I thought to check was I was reflecting on the fact that both canisters had parts of their labels missing from when we taped them down with packing tape when we moved...7 years ago. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe I should spring for some prettier containers [because that's what real bakers have...pretty containers]...and then I thought of looking for an expiration date. I tell you, it's always amusing in my kitchen. :-D

Eileen: This thread made me laugh!!! I'd like to see the docudrama "when good cornstarch goes bad". [A former coworker and long-time friend, Eileen has been a supporter of my cooking antics for years.  She was one of the very first to know about our Thanksgiving turkey being held hostage by our oven in self-clean mode.  She was also among the first readers of my Death Peaches story.  She herself is an amazing cook and taught me the importance of presentation.  "If it looks good, it tastes better."  Hooray for artfully placed lettuce leaves and parsley!]

Kayleigh: Well I hope our ingredients for our cookies are still good. :p

Me: They will be now, Kayleigh!

Rob: How long does baking powder take to expire? There's a chance it moved twice... We've only moved twice...

Kayleigh: Ok good!! :)

Rob: I like your thought, Eileen - "Tonight on CSI:Pantry - when good cornstarch goes bad."

Gretchen: Jr [Gretchen's husband] says maybe they have critters that shouldn't have crossed the border.

Me: Looking online about the shelf life of baking powder. So far I have this nugget: "Once a can is opened, fresh baking powder should be good for 3 to 6 months."

Rob: We have exceptional baking powder!

Me: Gretchen, please tell Jr to mind his own pantry. [Truth be told, I did start to wonder if maybe I had missed something, something sort of crawly and wiggly.  I checked both canisters.  Nope.  That was something of a relief.]

Rob: And they only check for critters going *into* California, not out of California.

Eileen: Rob: You know the CSI franchise has a lot of life after they exhaust all the major cities with your idea. My pantry is full of expired spices... A cereal killer perhaps ?! (*rim shot*) [Oh, Eileen and I had a blast working together!]

Kayleigh: HAHAHA you guys make me excited to be an adult!! :) [I wondered about this comment. Excited because we still have a sense of humor at our advanced ages? Excited because if she waits long enough, she, too, might have critters living in her spice rack? I wanted to ask Kayleigh for clarification and yet I really really didn't.]

Gretchen: Exceptional baking powder for exceptional people! [I can always count on Gretchen to see the sunshine.]

Rob: In our pantry we could have a spin-off called "Chips" staring potato and tortilla. Which isn't that far off the original, come to think about it. [John and Ponch, Potato and Tortilla. Just true and politically incorrect enough to be hysterical. Oh, lordy, I love my husband!]

Me: The scary thing is...I did a total overhaul/clean-out of our pantry last winter. Or so I thought. Now I'm wondering...does margarita salt go bad? You know, the type in the little plastic sombrero??

Eileen: I think your salt is fine. Isn't it an element? [She's a smart one, that Eileen.]

Me: Just checked the sombrero. No expiration date. Although it is a bit sticky... And the sombrero is U.S. Patent No. 291,181.

Rob: That patent number is for a "cut-off valve gear" invented in 1884. I think someone's not telling the truth on your sombrero.  [He's a thorough one, that Rob.]

Rob: Ahhhh - that's a design patent, not a utility patent. It's how it looks, not how it's used. The number is right - D291181, in 1984.

Julie: LOL!!!!! [Hi, Julie! She's my cousin whom I don't chat with nearly enough.]

Rob: So we know the salt isn't older than my high-school diploma.

Me: That and that we both have a lot of time on our hands to do things like note and research patent numbers on novelty food containers.

Gretchen: you two crack me up!

Dave: this is entertaining....but on a more serious note, while shopping for baking powder a while back, I observed that one of the brands advertised, "Aluminum Free".... Are you kidding me - the other brand contains ALUMINUM? Sure enough.... Who knew??? Arrghhh!! [I had no idea my friend Dave cooked.  I also had no idea there was aluminum in baking powder.  To be honest, I have no idea what exactly baking powder is.  But perhaps the aluminum acts as a critter deterrent?  In which case, yay for aluminum!]

Marsha [an older friend who deals with a lot of chronic pain yet still has a positive attitude. I can always count on Marsha to make me feel better.]: I went through my pantry recently, and found a few things that were bordering on elderly....Don't feel bad!!

Lisa: LOLOL...this is the first thing I read this morning and I laughed out loud!! Too funny! 1996???? Eeeesh, when's the last time you looked in there??? :O) [Lisa is a new friend, obviously.]

Marsha: I did find an item with a 1984 exp date!! Beat ya!!  [See what I mean? She's a gem.]

John: We discovered that our baking powder was bad when we tried to bake a chiffon cake. Oops. [John is a friend who posts lovely photos and descriptions of the scrumptious homemade meals and goodies that come out of his kitchen. 'Tho less so since their adorable daughter came along. Nevertheless, his comment made me realize that I would never really know that my ingredients had gone bad based on their performance. Issues in my kitchen are almost always the result of operator error. It would never occur to me to blame the ingredients. Until now. Score!]

Pam [my wreath-making buddy]: This gave me the giggles

John: When I was visiting my parents at the lake, I put some Kraft parmesan on my pasta. It was orange. It tasted BAD. We looked at the expiration date. It had been expired for a few years when it was moved from their house to the lake, ten years before. At least I didn't die. [OK, that one I might have noticed. The orange part I mean. I most definitely would have noticed John dying from bad parmesan.]

Debi: at least you didn't try to give someone an opened box of cereal that had expired 3 1/2 years ago (we had some friends who moved years ago that gave us all of their unwanted pantry stuff that I just had to throw out anyway)! [Not that I know of, Debi.  Not that I know of.]

Kaitlyn [a 15-year-old with a mom who is an amazing cook and probably uses up her spices and ingredients well before the Wikipedia-recommended time frames]: hey that baking powder is as old as me!!!!!

Rob: Do you have an expiration date, Kaitlyn? [You gotta admire his tenacity.]

Me: Just got back from the grocery store. Current baking powder and cornstarch on the shelves expire in late 2013. So there's a REALLY good possibility our baking soda has been with us since our first apartment. I now fear getting sentimental about it and never throwing it away.

Marsha: Yeah, keep it!! (At least the container), in a few weeks it'll be an antique!!! Hahahaha!!!

Carol [our real estate agent turned friend who is always a wealth of handy tips]: I started writing on my spices the date purchased since I was married YEARS before I knew they should be replaced at least annually! I got a spice rack as a shower gift; about 10 years later I still had some full jars!

Eileen: Seriously, this is one of the best threads ever!

And thus it shall be preserved and shared.  Not entirely unlike the cornstarch and baking powder.