Oh, TLC, you are the devil.
Truth is, I didn't know what a Honey Boo Boo was either. My best guess was either an ouchy that a hubby might get while operating heavy machinery...or perhaps the name of that cute little girl bear with a pink bow on her ear that hung out in several cartoon installments with Yogi and Boo Boo. I slowed down my "Craft Wars" commercial fast-forwarding enough to watch The Learning Channel's promos and eventually had to know...HAD TO KNOW...what the heck a Honey Boo Boo is. The devil is a very effective marketer.
So the skinny is Honey Boo Boo is the nickname of a 6-year-old girl from a tiny town in Georgia. She enters those freakish beauty pageants for kids and made an impression when she appeared as a contestant on another TLC show called "Toddlers and Tiaras" (which I have thus far resisted watching). The devil network, being brilliant, jumped to ride the curiosity wave as long as it could and created a spin-off for the captivating Honey Boo Boo and her delightful, camera-ready family.
Honey Boo Boo -- also known as Alana, Honey Boo Boo Child, and Smoochie Smooch -- is the youngest of four girls. Her sisters include Pumpkin (12), Chubs/Chubette (15), and Chickadee (17 and pregnant). Mama (32) heads up the roost, with Sugar Bear (40) working an unidentified job that somehow manages to pay for $1000 glitzy pageant dresses and a house without kitchen pipes but within spittin' distance of the main rail line through town.
Mama and Sugar Bear aren't married and Sugar Bear is the bio dad of Honey Boo Boo only. It's not clear how many other dads there are or were. Mama is 309 pounds and counting (the first scale reading was "E"). She likes couponing better than sex and proudly has a wall of free toilet paper in her kitchen. The family briefly had a tiny pig for a pet, and one weekend they attended an event that included bobbing for pigs feet...really really fresh, floppy, you-could-still-see-the-bone pigs feet. They love mud bogging, and they all seem to sneeze a lot without much need for tissues. Their southern accents are thick. Oh, and they are rednecks. Did I mention that? Did I need to?
Seven episodes may be my limit. My good friend Zeke watched the first three with us. When I later told him Episode 4 was a must-see, he replied, "I'm still trying to scrape my IQ off the floor after watching the first 3." Good point.
So in the interest of sharing the fun but sparing your brain cells, I have complied my most favorite quotes from the first seven episodes. They are the ones that made me pause, literally. The ones that made me laugh, gawk, stare at Rob in disbelief, and then reach for more wine. As the grand finale, I made a video for you. You're welcome.
"As a mom I gotta teach my daughters good habits." ~ Mama as she watches her daughters eat cheese puffs off the floor.
"All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous." ~ Mama describing women larger than her misguidedly wearing two-piece swim suits to the Redneck Games
"With the pig feet bobbin', I was expecting some kind of cookedness to it." ~ Mama was nonetheless very proud of Pumpkin's pair of retrieved feet. The winner retrieved six.
"Mama says if you fart 12-15 times per day you can lose a lot of weight so I think I'm gonna lose a lot of weight cuz I'm gonna fart a lot." ~ Chubs trying to master a way to shake her nickname. This theory also begs the question why Mama isn't 150 pounds lighter.
"The judges said she [Honey Boo Boo in a pageant] needed to be more refined. What the hell ever." ~ Mama, not impressed with the feedback.
"Nobody can be proper and etiquettely all the time, I don't care who you are." ~ Nevertheless, Mama (and the producers) brought in a politely horrified Miss Manners to try to teach the girls about the privacy of bodily functions and the proper use of a napkin. It predictably didn't go well for anybody.
"Mama has forklift feet." ~ This particular phrase was repeated a number of times, presumably to build suspense for the Big Reveal. Mama is very self-conscious about her left foot because it was run over by a forklift years ago. As a result, she always wears socks. Nobody...not even Sugar Bear...has ever seen her forklift foot. When the girls get pedicures for the first time (cue more politely horrified service folks), Mama gets the tips of her white socks painted pink. Finally, at a water park, Mama bows to the pressure and takes off her socks. I'll give you two words and let your imagination fill in the rest: swarming gnats.
"It was a good experience. Well...it was an experience." ~ One of the pedicurists trying her best to be polite on camera.
"We been shack'em up mates for eight years." ~ Mama explaining her relationship status with Sugar Bear
"Was it love at first sight? No. Was it bed at first sight? [Laughing with a wink] Maybe." ~ Mama providing too much information about her relationship status with Sugar Bear
"I'm just a damn 12-year-old young'in!" ~ the feisty Pumpkin explaining why she isn't helping...with anything
"This Santy Claus suit smells like a chain smokin' goat." ~ Sugar Bear trying to be a good sport as Santa Claus for a Christmas in July community event
"I got two sides. Why can't my sides be meat?" ~ Honey Boo Boo explaining her order in a BBQ joint. She got the brisket with ribs and chicken as side dishes. I have to admit, I found her logic genius.
"When I saw her in that blonde wig I started feelin' a little frisky." ~ In the 7th episode, the family goes to a wig store to find a new curly wig for Honey Boo Boo's next pageant. Everyone has fun trying on different styles. Sugar Bear looks at home in a mullet while Mama apparently looks enticing in a blonde doo. The store's name is "Shh. It's a Wig." Episode 7 is worth watching simply for all the various ways people...especially Honey Boo Boo...say the name.
The Grand Finale: In honor of their 8th anniversary of being shack'em up mates, Sugar Bear buys Mama a gift. He's never really bought her a gift before and he tried really hard to find her something special. I think my favorite part is the petting. Oh, and yeah...at first I laughed at the subtitles throughout the series. I quickly came to rely on them.
If you feel like you need even more Honey Boo Boo (wow), catch her now cuz her 15 minutes are tickin' away faster than a snake on a greased pig.
(I made that hyperbole up. Whadda you think? Have I watched enough episodes?)
2 comments:
I have heard of this Honey Boo Boo phenomenon, and I have watched Toddlers and Tiaras just for the trainwreck that it is. What makes this blog all kinds of awesome are the quotes and your commentary on them. I must see this Honey Boo Boo! Quickly though, because her 15 minutes are tickin''away faster than a snake on a greased pig. I love your hyperbole and will quote you often, giving you full credit of course!
I just read this to my mom, as we've discussed this "Honey Boo Boo" with about as much understanding as you had initially. My mother wishes to thank you for "putting this together" because now she has an idea of what it's all about "without having to watch it". There was a great deal of relief in her voice as she said that. ;)We both were laughing out loud throughout. What a fun read!! Thank you, Toni! :)
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