It was an innocent phone call. And a lovely invitation. But it left me sad, frustrated, and on the verge of tears when I hung up.
My friend simply called to invite me to "Movie Night" at her house tonight. A few women gathering to watch a movie of substance or optimism, or ideally both. I attended several weeks ago and enjoyed "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" even if it solidified my commitment never to travel to India.
But that night, as much as I enjoyed the movie and the socializing, my back screamed. I tried to get comfortable in the most back-friendly chair in the house. I even had my TENS unit pulsating, sending scrambling messages to my brain to confuse the pain language. But the fact remained that when I got home I was in significantly more pain than before I left.
And I was mad. Mad that I can't even enjoy an evening watching a movie with friends. Not without displacing all of them to folding chairs while I lounge on the sofa. Me, the youngest of the group by at least a decade.
So those maddeningly high-maintenance thoughts swirled when today's invitation came. And coupled with them was frustration with the spontaneity of the invitation. Now, I will be the first to admit that I do not like spontaneity. I like a plan. I like to know what is coming and what is expected of me. For the longest time, I assumed this was simply a part of my Type-A, control-freak personality and something that I needed to work on. But tonight I realized that my frustration goes beyond that.
I really did want to be able to say yes to the movie tonight. But the reality is, I need warning. Like by 10am, if not days earlier. Because I live my life counting spoons. I only have so many spoons (a metaphor for energy -- see The Spoon Theory) to dole out each day. I need to know what is coming so I can make sure I have enough spoons to see me through. And to be sure I have timed out pain medication to be maximized at just the right time. So calling me at 3:30pm for a 5:00pm activity, as romantically impulsive and exciting as I want it to be, is annoyingly unrealistic in my spoon-conscious world. Tonight I had just enough spoons left to watch Rob make me dinner, cry into a few tissues, and then collapse on the couch.
I so wish I could be spur-of-the-moment and shift gears at the ring of the phone. But that is not how my head or my body is wired. Instead of being grateful for the invitation, I was left feeling sad and weary of having to say no yet again to a loving, well-intention offer. And taking refuge on the couch, wishing for more spoons.
3 comments:
Nothing worse than having to spend your life counting spoons!!! No matter if that is required due to pain or chronic illness (or both), it truly sucks!! Especially when your head and your heart want so desperately to say YES, but your body says NO!!
For me it's easy to say "No" because I prefer to not go even with friends. I have to be dragged kicking and screaming to any kind of outside social event, especially if it's in the evening. I prefer to hibernated. My present situation gives me the perfect "excuse" to say "No."
I will do what I can to make this situation better for you, though even I don't know with absolute certainty when such spontaneous inspiration will arise. But I will see how this can be improved. We want you with us. We love you. <3
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