Words of Experience to My Teen Self

I stumbled on the movie "Pretty in Pink" the other night. It originally came out when I was in high school, so it was pretty much impossible not to identify with its teen angst. This time around, I marveled at the poofy hair and princess phones and the Ray Ban sunglasses that apparently never go out of style.

A few days later, through the wondrous web of Facebook connections, I found myself staring at photos of a whole bunch of classmates from high school. I was shocked at how bald and dumpy and middle-agey many of the men looked. And at how obviously hard many of the women were working to look youthful and vibrant. It worked for many of them; several looked even better than they did in high school 27 years ago.

This unexpected walk down High School Memory Lane left me wistful at what I wish I had known back then, when I was so mistakenly insecure about some things and so naively certain about others.

If I could go back nearly 30 years and chat with the Teen Toni, here is what I would tell her:

Your body is wonderful. It is strong, flexible, and perfect just the way it is. Rejoice in your ability to sit cross-legged while doing homework and dance on a gym floor for hours without pain the next morning. Bend and touch your toes often just because you can. Someday you will just be able to look at them and wave.

Wear fun shoes. Wear heels and flats and boots and sandals. If you see a pair of insanely cute shoes you can afford, get them. Someday, so much sooner than they should, your feet will rebel on you and you will be relegated to wearing ugly shoes for comfort over fashion. And please stop secretly laughing at your grandma's shoes. She's wearing them because she has to, not because she wants to. She knows they are hideous but she is grateful she can walk again.

For Pete's sake, stop obsessing about having a boyfriend. In just a few years you will meet a man who will bring more joy to your life than you can imagine. But if you met him right now, you two wouldn't click. You aren't ready for each other yet. So take a deep breath and cut it out. You have more important things to do...like homework.

Yes, you are a very capable, independent, self-sufficient young woman (even though you are still entirely dependent on your parents). Nobody doubts your ability to open doors for yourself. But truly, a guy who wants to do that for you is paying you a compliment, not insulting you. He is respecting you and wanting to do for you. It's biological, old fashioned, and lovely. Years from now, as you wait under a covered awning for your husband to retrieve the car in a rainstorm so you can stay dry and pretty in the high heels that are killing your feet and back, you will wonder why you wasted so many years refusing to let men treat you like a lady.

Go hang out with your mother in the kitchen. She's making dinner. You might learn something. Your 45-year-old self and your husband will thank you.

Stop baking in the sun. Being tan isn't nearly as essential as you think. And those white splotchy marks on your mom's legs that you are grateful aren't on yours? Yeah, just wait. Same goes for little brown spots on your face.

Yeah, you may roll your eyes at your dad's insistence of doing "dry runs" on outings. Like driving over to Berkeley with you so you know how to get to the midnight showing of "Rocky Horror." Or driving over two hours with you to a mountain amphitheater so you and John can go see that concert you won tickets to next weekend. You may think your dad is treating you like a little girl, but he is actually treating you like a burgeoning adult. He is giving you freedom and independence. He's not holding you back; he's actually letting you go. So instead of rolling your eyes, go give him a hug.

I am so proud of you for your decision to stay away from drugs and alcohol even though they are huge huge huge at your school. Yes, you are cast as a "goody goody" but there are people around you who secretly respect you for your strength and conviction. And your hunch that all these people with blossoming addictions will someday be struggling to get where you already are -- clean and sober -- is spot on. You are wiser than you realize.

Yes, you are right -- you don't really fit in here. There is a social world at your school that exists all around you that you aren't a part of and aren't invited to join. And I know it hurts. It will still sting a bit in 20 years at your reunion. But look around you. You see Grant and Cheryl and Katrina and Jon and Ricky? How about Carl and Scott? Believe it or not, these friends will stick around for decades. They know you and like you. They are friends for life. The rest is just stupid teenage stuff. Have you seen "Pretty In Pink" yet?