Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Dancing with anxiety

Anxiety is exhausting. Exhausting, frustrating, seemingly endless, and so very distracting.

I’ve had two panic attacks in my life. The first one was the night after I made the decision to get a hysterectomy. It was a very sound decision based on some medical needs and a clear and lasting desire not to have children. It was a decision made over several months and I was at peace with it.

So the racing heart, the spinning head, and the inability to get enough air in my lungs came as a complete surprise later that night as I was calmly sitting in bed watching TV. The physiology gobsmacked me and the sneakiness terrified me.

Coincidentally I had a doctor’s appointment scheduled a few days later. I told my doc about my experience. He prescribed some long-term and some quick-action anti-anxiety meds. I never took them.

I bumped along for the next month, waiting for my surgery. The panic didn’t return but there was a general nervousness just below the surface that never really went away. It was a persistent feeling in my gut like I was leaning back in a chair and might…or might not…fall backwards. So annoying.

A few days after my hysterectomy, I had a second panicky episode. It was terrifying. I felt like I was consumed by adrenaline. I was frantic and frenetic. My skin and skull felt too small for my body, like I needed to explode out of them like the Incredible Hulk. My brain raced and pulsed along with my heart. I desperately wanted to escape my body and felt trapped inside of it. It only lasted a few eternal minutes but I still avoid thinking about it for fear it will return.

Looking back, I suspect I was being attacked less by panic and more by horribly jangled hormones and new-to-me pain meds that I will never take again. Nevertheless, the knowledge of what it feels like to be on the edge of your own sanity sort of chips away at your I-can-handle-life armor.

I’m grateful and a little scared that I have not experienced anxiety like that again (yet?). Instead, it seems I get dizzy, lightheaded, with a brain that feels a little sloshy in my skull if I move my head too fast. That leaning-back-in-a-chair feeling is present, too, but it’s the dizziness that captures my attention. I’ve seen so many doctors and tried so many things and had so many theories. Mold, cleaning chemicals, allergies, dirty air vents, ear infections, ear wax, dehydration, vertigo.

Instead, the culprit seems to be exhaustion and frustration from too many demands and not enough deep breaths. When I am running too hard, when I am desperately trying to hold things together, when I am carrying more than I should…eventually the anxious dizziness sets in.

Rob has dealt with anxiety on a much larger scale for the last 15 years or so. It’s his story and he is open with it, with the prayer of being an encouragement to others desperately wallowing in the pit and losing hope of ever climbing out.

He has stumbled back into the pit several times since he fell so deep 15 years ago. Gratefully the first time was the deepest. Each stumble gets a little easier by the very simple yet powerful truth that he has stumbled before, survived, and climbed out each time. Each stumble makes him stronger, but it doesn’t make the trip any more fun or less exhausting.

Rob stumbled in February. He has been exhausted and frustrated and distracted. I have been present and stable and reassuring. But I have been running too hard, holding things together with all my might, carrying more than I typically do.

After three dragging months, Rob is finally out of the pit. All that remains is for him to fully realize he is out.

I’ve been dizzy for a week or two. I really shouldn’t be surprised.

With Rob safely out, it’s apparently my turn to dance around the Anxiety Pit. It doesn’t seem fair that just as Rob is feeling on solid ground, I start losing my footing. Life is a lot more fun when we’re standing firm together.

I know we will get there again. I know this state is temporary and survivable. But it is still annoying and frustrating and exhausting.

I’m trying to remember to drink extra water. I used some ear drops today, and popped some Dramamine. My theories are still there, and they are still wrong. Despite my need to fool myself into thinking I can control this, deep down I know the only remedy is time and patience. Slowing down and releasing things that might not be mine to carry anymore.

Sigh.


3 comments:

Carol in Salmon Creek said...

I'm so sorry to hear that the Anxiety Pit is alive & well at your house. I didn't experience an anxiety attack until I had to have an MRI (at age 51) in an old small machine & I simply freaked out (and I'd taken two Xanax before to "alleviate" this issue.) Nice new larger MRI machine & now four Xanax later - I made it, but the anxiety attacks started happening frequently after that episode. Not wanting to take any medication, I discovered that deep, meaningful breathing (especially of fresh outdoor air) along with meditation has absolutely worked for me. I borrowed audio books about meditation from the library to learn how to do it (as I'm an overachiever & want to make sure I'm doing it perfectly.) While I'm still struggling with the meditation (my squirrel brain is tough to slow down), the anxiety attacks have ended (or more likely, I'm recognizing the signs & stopping them with the breathing & meditation before they take over.) And what a relief to not have them currently, as debilitating & horrible as they are. Hoping you find success with something to keep them at bay also. And if you see a person standing on the side of the freeway next to her car in the pouring rain just breathing while concentrating on her meditations - that's me...NOT having another anxiety attack!

Toni at Woodhaven said...

Carol, thank you SO MUCH for your comments and commiseration. "Me, too" is so powerful. When I was in the rough waters of hormonal anxiety, I found that walking outside and pumping my arms with light weights really helped release the energy. At one point, I bought a reflective vest because I was out in our neighborhood whenever I needed to release the energy. Fascinating how many cars and critters are out and about at 2am... I, too, have tried meditation and like you, aim to do it perfectly. Of course, I can't really meditate well because I'm focused on the perfection. If you remember the audio books you used, I'd love the recommendation! I'm trying to get Rob out and walking, too. Something about that fresh air. And if I ever see you on the side of the road, I will stop and breathe with you! :-D

Cheryl Tefft said...

I hope you are both doing well by now. I will always remember and value one thing my therapist said to me regarding depression, and I'm sure it applies to anxiety too: Your brain LIES to you. Sometimes it was a big help just to remember that.

Also, have you read "10% Happier" by Dan Harris? I just read it for book club (I probably wouldn't have done so on my own), and it was a fascinating look at the process of how the author (a TV on-air journalist) went from complete skepticism to becoming a dedicated meditator.

Hugs and best wishes to both of you!