Coming soon: roasted garlic

I have never been accused of being a great cook. If you know me, you know I am actually rather nervous in the kitchen. If I am cooking for you, please don’t talk to me. I get easily distracted and it can spell disaster. I can usually follow a simple recipe – my favorite ones come from the coupon section in the Sunday paper – but even that can get dicey.

I have scars on several fingers from inadequate knife skills. I have set off smoke detectors with garlic bread. I have learned the hard way that a tablespoon of fresh herbs does not equal a tablespoon of dried herbs. I have locked my Thanksgiving meal in the oven in self-clean mode. I have almost caught the house on fire with hot oil. I have learned how to get charred rice off the bottom of a sauce pan. I have the nearest pizza joint on speed dial.

My kitchen wall sports what I call “Fork Art.” It is two framed forks in unnatural states. One is a plastic fork all wavy and curly. It was from when Rob accidently left his fluffing fork in the stuffing our first Thanksgiving together. The other is a large Tupperware fork with its tines all singed and squished. It was from the one time I decided to try woking and learned that one does not stir fry with plastic utensils. The forks are a testament to why we eat out so much.

My fridge has two magnets in amongst the photos and magnet poetry. One says, “I kiss better than I cook.” The other says, “The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house.” No truer words, on both counts.

So after 19 years of a very patient and gracious husband whose many hats include “guinea pig,” I decided it was time for him to actually look forward to dinner. A few weeks ago I found a beginners cooking class through the local rec department and signed up right away.

The instructor is a chatty woman named Marlene who doesn’t measure anything, doesn’t really follow recipes, and knows when things are done because they are done. In other words, a complete enigma. My fellow students are one. Matt. He’s a late-20s bachelor who knows a lot of bar drink recipes but has never eaten a tomato. Matt and I sit at a table while we watch Marlene cook and tell us about her daughter, Amy. I’ve scribbled tons of notes and asked lots of questions. Matt has given me a lead on a pineapple and habanero martini.

With three of my six classes under my apron strings, I decided it was time to put some of my simmering cooking knowledge to the test. Last night, for the first time in my 42 years, I cooked two items never before attempted: baked yams and a full chicken. The verdict? We didn’t have pizza!

Yes, it’s true. Before last night I had never baked a potato. I honestly didn’t know how. Everyone just assumes you know these things. Don’t get me wrong, I had plenty of opportunities to learn. My mom grew up on a farm in Idaho, for pete’s sake. But I was never interested and had more important things to do, like homework and watching “Brady Bunch” reruns.

And a chicken? My only cooking experience was chicken breasts and recently some “drummettes” in the crock pot. Never a full on bird with jiblets. Or is that giblets? Our dinner last night didn’t have either so I suppose it’s moot.

I followed a mash-up of Marlene’s instructions and the ones that came with the Beer Can Chicken ChickCAN® rack. It felt rather intimate to “clean” the chicken. Getting so personal with the bird made me think perhaps I should be buying it dinner, not making it the entrée. I also followed the ChickCAN® rack instructions to wait until the thigh was 180 degrees. Since it was a touch over done, I think next time I’ll try Marlene’s advice of considering it done when you can pull the thigh off with hardly a tug. But all in all, the chicken was very edible and I now have a container full of shredded chicken for a salad or nachos or something I haven’t learned yet.

And the yams? Again, I’ll use Marlene’s knife poking method for testing doneness next time instead of just relying on the clock. Good thing we have a microwave. And with butter, salt, and for Rob, lots of brown sugar… why I have I never learned this before?? Oh, right. Brady Bunch.

This week I will be learning how to do a roast and scalloped potatoes. Rob, an unsatisfied meat-and-potatoes guy, will be thrilled.

My inaugural chicken and Fork Art in the background