Iowa’s Fair is HUGE -- we’ve only seen a fraction of it so far, despite slopping around onsite today for almost 12 hours. But we have two more days to try to see and eat enough to do Iowa proud. We are up to the challenge! With just a little more sleep, yes, I am sure we are! We are! Oh, lordy, I hope we are.
 |
| We're still looking for a nice big sign announcing our arrival in Iowa. Until then, here's some John Deere farming equipment. Close enough. |
Fairing With Family!
Today was very noteworthy because Rob and I did something we have never ever done before: we Faired with family! My aunt and cousins and a small gaggle of littles live near Omaha, Nebraska. It was news to me that Des Moines is close enough to Omaha to come Fair across state lines (I really am pretty good with US geography, I promise). I was surprised and excited when my family caught wind of our Fairing plans and asked if they could join us. Yippee!!
Our group of ten – TEN -- ranged in age from 59 to In-A-Stroller. Six of us old enough to drive, and two of us not tall enough to go on the big Ferris Wheel.
I was super surprised to learn that Rob and I were the only ones in our tribe who had really done a Fair before. Our novice group Faired rather well today, all things considered. We did some Sky Gliders, we ate some food, we stared at a cow made of butter. We also spent a lot of time sending texts and making phone calls and counting heads. Ten people is a lot to wrangle, especially at a Fair whose daily attendance is typically over 100,000 drippy, sweaty, midwesterners who kinda all look related.
My aunt and I finally chatted a bit in person…after a good 20 minutes of a flurry of texts and phone calls and directions like “near the Pickle Tickle Beer” and “take a right at the First Aid stand” and “near the band playing under all the flags.”
We commiserated that none of us had much group travel experience. Trying to find each other, stay together, keep littles entertained, figure out what to eat, and find The Butter Cow all took quite a bit of coordination and energy…which I’m not sure any of us truly anticipated. After a few melty hours, I asked my cousin Becca if she felt like she was Fairing at all or if she was mostly taking a long, hot walk with a stroller. She smiled gamely and agreed that maybe Fairing would be a more novel experience in a few years when all the kids were independent, reliable walkers.
 |
| Becca found us! She wasn't nearly as miserable as I was with the humidity. She has a bit more practice... |
One faction of our tribe called it a day around 2:30pm; another around 3:30pm. The last three bid us Fairwell at about 5:00pm. My family of troopers actually lasted longer than I anticipated, given that they started their day at the ungodly hour of 7:30am and had breakfast at the hotel. What?!? Truly, they do need some education about Fairing (you skip breakfast and head straight to a grease-laden Fair lunch). And yes, I will admit Rob and I let out a bit of a sigh of relief when it was just the two of us and we no longer had to spin around at regular intervals to try to figure out where our posse was.
I honestly hope my family had a good time and will give Fairing another go. It was such a hot, ridiculously humid, insanely crowded day…on top of trying to wrangle a 1, 4, 6, and 12-year-old. I’m guessing they are all a bit perplexed why Rob and I have made such a hobby of Fair going. (Guys, it’s a TON easier when it’s just adults acting like kids instead of bringing actual kids along. Huge props to Parents Who Fair – you are dedicated and selfless if not a bit cray cray.) Nevertheless, despite the chaos and heat and never getting organized enough to get a group photo, I think we all are taking home some fun family memories. And perhaps a bit of chocolate ice cream in our hair.
 |
| Russell Faired very well. |
Fairing with Politicians!
We heard several times from Fair workers that today was more crowded than they had ever seen. Lucky us!
Today was the first Saturday of the Iowa State Fair, which we were told is historically very busy. But adding to the popularity was being in Iowa during the run-up to a presidential election. Today and tomorrow, all the key Democratic presidential candidates are onsite creating spontaneous, magical photo-ops at the Fair.
 |
| They have a stage called The Soapbox set up where I presume candidates speak to the tens of people gathered. We never saw anyone using it. Maybe tomorrow. |
All day today, we slalomed around people wearing t-shirts supporting their candidates. Supporters and campaign workers and news crews and camera operators and C-SPAN buses. SO many extra people expanding the crowd, resulting in a possibly record-breaking number of attendees at the Fair today. Oy.
We spotted Kamala Harris from California casually walking down the Fair’s main thoroughfare in a protective bubble of cameras and microphones and security and undoubtedly highly vetted and secured “average Americans.”
Later we spied Amy Klobuchar from Minnesota sporting an apron and working a pork chops grill…again surrounded by cameras and microphones and professional lighting.
I know the whole point of these appearances is appearances. Appearances for the cameras of politicians just being normal people doing normal things like attending a Fair and flipping pork. But from the sidelines, it looked highly manufactured and not all that normal.
Near the main punditing area, a set of mason jars was set up for a kernel poll. Fairgoers are asked to use corn kernels to indicate their political party as well as whom they would vote for if the election were held today. Certainly not a scientific poll but probably more representative than a retired Market Researcher should admit. I might linger a bit at the table tomorrow to ask how closely their corny poll historically reflects reality on election day. Inquiring, retired minds want to know!
 |
| Out of photo range: the red stuff. Trump's jar was full; I don't even know whose name was on the other jar. And neither did most people. It had like 5 kernels in it. |
 |
| Your early election results coming at you from the Iowa State Fair! |
The Parking Situation
Last night – before my almost 11 glorious hours of sleep – Rob told me that the Iowa State Fair is almost twice as big as the Wisconsin State Fair. OH, BOY! We pretty much saw one main area over and over today, so there’s a whole bunch more Fair waiting to be discovered. Including where the parking lot is.
The plan today was to meet my family inside the Fair at 11:00am at Gate 8 (there are 16 gates!). That was before Rob and I discovered things like a mile-long traffic jam just to get to the Fairgrounds, and signs tsk-tsking our lack of planning by flashing that the Fair Parking Lots were full.
 |
| We sat in this for about 20 minutes before giving up once we saw the sign mocking us. |
Having no idea what we were doing, Rob took a quick right turn next to a laundromat. We ended up in a residential neighborhood. We knew we must be in close-ish proximity to the Fairgrounds because there were cars parked against every curb available in a neighborhood that couldn’t possibly have that many residents.
We circled around for a bit, confused and annoyed that there were so many "almost enough room" spots. It seemed a universal parking brain fart that so very many cars parked in a manner that left just barely not enough room for one more car.
We finally spied what we thought was a prime spot. Just as Rob started to back into it, the homeowner moseyed out onto his porch, leaned against a post, and watched us. I was guessing he had something to say.
Yes, indeed he did! The moseyer waited until we were parked and gathering belongings before informing us of a local parking law that says when you park near a driveway, you have to be at least 6 inches on either side it. If you are too close, you get a ticket. And during the Fair, the Des Moines Parking Patrol is out in force with their tape measurers. Rob got out and looked at the curb. Sure enough, our bumper was about 3 inches away from the guy’s driveway. We thanked the pole leaner for saving us a parking fine and continued to circle.
We finally found a spot in what we presumed was still Iowa. We took photos of the modest house we parked in front of as well as the nearest street signs, praying we would find our non-descript rental car again in 12 hours.
I was still uncertain if what we were doing was legal. I mean, we weren’t paying for parking and we were parked in front of some random house some unknown distance from the Fairgrounds. I settled down when I realized this Neighborhood Parking thing is quite a side hustle for a number of Des Moinesians.
Not only were a number of capitalizing homeowners renting out their driveways and lawns for parking, several of them had little sidewalk stands selling drinks and t-shirts and homemade jewelry. There was also a fleet of bicycle cabs shuttling people from the neighborhoods to the Fair entrances. I have no idea who much they were charging. Regardless, I might gratefully throw money at them sometime over the next two days.
 |
| When we walked back at 11:15pm, many homeowners were still hanging around outside. They had to stay up until the last car left their lawn -- and the Fair closes at 1:00am. Capitalism can be exhausting! |
The Cow of Butter
For reasons I have yet to research or deduce, the Iowa State Fair is famous for having a life-sized cow carved out of butter. It’s been A Thing for a little over 100 years. The Butter Cow is a MUST SEE on everyone’s list for this Fair. To the point that I lost count of how many times I overheard other Fairgoers talking about it, making plans to see it, venerating it as I suppose one should a lardy large livestock.
Because I had heard so much about this butter bovine, I was expecting it to be housed in a dedicated refrigerated space, rotating on a platform, surrounded by velvet ropes, and guarded by security. I expected a long line filled with excitement that then fell into hushed whispers of reverence when one was finally in the presence of The Butter Cow. I wasn’t sure if the accompanying music would be soft nature sounds or something a bit patriotic and celebratory.
So it was rather deflating to find Ms. Butter in an unfestooned window case along a side wall of old wooden hall without air conditioning. Worse yet, she was hanging out with butter versions of Elmo and Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch. Yes, they too are national treasures but somehow they seemed a bit too playful and muppety for the stately Iowa Butter Cow.
There was indeed a line to view The Cow but I’m not sure why. Once we got up to The Moo of Margarine, there were people who hadn’t sweltered with us in line for 15 minutes being all cheatery and stealing gazes and photos from behind us. No Fair! To add to the disappointment, there was no rotating platform, no security, no music. I tried to work up excitement, much like seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time and realizing…as pretty as it is…it’s really just an awfully big hole. It turns out The Butter Cow is simply...a cow…made out of butter. But pleeeeease don’t tell anyone from Iowa I said that.
 |
| You'd think they'd figure out something better to do with the lighting so The Cow doesn't look like Fat Albert's Dumb Donald in photos. |
 |
| Come and play! Everything's A-OK! And made of butter! |
 |
| The Majestic Butter Cow Presentation. |
SCHEDULE:
Rob and I will be Fairing here in Iowa for two more incredibly sweaty, water-retaining days. Whoo!
STATS:
Distance walked: 17,013 steps or 7.0 miles…at least 2 of which were simply getting to and from our car.
Earrings: Popcorn! And oh my goodness, I got SO many compliments on them! I don’t know if it’s because Iowans grow a lot of popping corn here and therefore they thought I was their people, or if Iowans are just more observant. I will find out tomorrow when I wear a different food in my ears.
Re-entry stamp: The letters KM in a circle, stamped in pink above where I might wear a watch. Super boring and very confusing. I might asked the nice folks at the Info Booth tomorrow what KM stands for.
Best souvenir I didn’t buy: Speaking of the Info Booth, they are SO nice here! When Rob and I stopped at one to get a map, a conversation ensued resulting in my being handed a list of new foods to try, a brochure called “Guide For First-Time Fairgoers” and a pin identifying my (Iowa State) Fair Virginity that I proudly wore all day long.
I don’t know how many pins they handed out, but a nice Info Lady said I got the last one from her booth. I only saw one other person wearing the pin all day. Maybe all the other newbies were too embarrassed to wear it? Their loss! I was so warmly welcomed and greeted by so many vendors and Fair workers! Iowans are proud of their state and their Fair and they made me feel like I was an honored guest at their very best party. It was so fun and friendly! Brilliant move, Iowa State Fair Marketing People!
 |
| Sad face is NOT because of my super awesome newbie button! It's the beverage I'm holding. See Fair Food Feast Parade below for details. |
First sign of excessive Fairing: Heat rash on the inside of my left ankle…currently smothered in hydrocortisone cream
Price for entry: $8 if you buy your ticket online a few weeks before you show up
Price for parking: $10 unless you park in Nebraska and walk.
FAIR FOOD FEAST PARADE:
Despite the heat, I think I Feasted pretty well today. I drank a lot more lemonade than I have in a long time. Mostly because there were lines at the woefully insufficient water fountains scattered around the fairgrounds.
Also, Rob and I had tickets to a special Fair After Dark event that started…started!…at 9:30pm. It was billed as a 21-and-over food and beverage and games thing (cupcake decorating, ugly cake contest, etc). We paced ourselves to be hungry at 9:30pm so we could take advantage of our $30 meal tickets. Aaaaaanddd….boring!
I was hoping the event would allow me to sample some of the new fair-themed beers listed in one of my brochures (key among them: corn dog beer). And I was hoping the food would be little samples of things on a stick and deep fried goodness. Instead, the Fair people tried to make the party educational with a passport and a requirement to ask each vendor a question about their product in order to get a stamp. I was not there to learn, people! I was there to eat and drink!
The food was some pork, some turkey, some cheese, and a beef stew sundae. The most unique sample was a deep fried deviled egg. As for the booze, we sampled a Chilean Cabernet (uuuhhh… I’m sure there must be some sort of adventuresome wine made in Iowa to sample instead?), a cranberry wine, and a mimosa. We each had two drink tickets but there was only one type of drink offered. A whole bunch of Iowa hipsters were getting schnockerd on Shirley Templetons – Iowa rye whiskey, strawberry juice, and Sprite. Meanwhile, Rob and I used only one of our tickets, sipped the Templeton, and poured most of it out when nobody was looking.
I don’t regret buying tickets for the event – it sounded amazing. I just wish it…like the Butter Cow…had lived up to what I had imagined it would be.
And with that, here’s what I ate today while sweating through every single pore in my skin.
 |
| I was imploding from the heat, humidity, and lack of food. So Rob, being the very best Fair Buddy in the world, sat me down near a fan and got me a basic hot dog. Not exotic but honestly, it was an especially good dog and not because it got my blood sugar up. It was a beef dog and the bun was buttered and toasted on the inside. Pretty dang tasty and exactly what I needed. |
 |
| COLD BEVERAGE! A basic lemonade although I think it was really fresh. I crunched on some sugar granules through my straw. Very refreshing but the ice melted super fast. Boo. |
 |
| I'm not sure why pickles are such a thing here, but I love pickles so I'm not complaining. This here is a Pickle Dawg. It is a dill pickle spear wrapped with ham and cream cheese and then deep fried. It wasn't bad but it wasn't pickley enough. And I would have been happier with a little less cream cheese. I didn't finish this but was happy to have cousins who did. |
 |
| I camped out here for all six samples. I already drink this stuff at home so I wasn't sampling as much as mooching. |
 |
| Cherry pie milkshake! Pretty much what it sounds like: a slice of cherry pie smushed in a cup with a bunch of vanilla ice cream. It was pretty tasty! But I would have preferred more cherries. Nevertheless I sort of inhaled this. |
 |
| The Pickle Tickle Beer. More pickles! It was...very strange. It tasted like a light beer mixed with pickle juice. It tasted like generic beer when first sipping it; the pickle flavor came at the end. I kept sipping this, trying to figure out if I liked it. I eventually decided I didn't like it enough to drink the alcohol in the humidity since I'm a novice at that, so I was happy to share with my aunt. Family is awesome to Fair with! |
 |
| Pork Chop on a Stick. OMG. This was incredible. The very best pork chop I have ever had in my life! It doesn't look like much...and I was disappointed that the vendor didn't have any condiments to jazz it up. Well, they know what they are doing. This piece of pig heaven did not need any help whatsoever. Juicy, moist, flavorful. It is now my gold standard for all future pork chops. Rob and I shared this; we might be getting our own independent chops tomorrow. MMMMMM! |
 |
| Strawberry lemonade. Again, freshly made with crunchy sugar granules. And a very nice cashier who saw my button and wanted to make sure I was having the Fair of my life. Love the pin!! |
 |
| Hey look! More lemonade! This one was honey lemonade. It was much less tart that a normal lemonade and I could taste a hint of honey. Overall, I liked it but I won't be going out of my way to get it again. But it was cold and that was key. |
 |
| Beef Stew Sundae. Mashed potatoes, beef stew, and cheddar cheese. This was much better than I was expecting! It was really hot, though, so I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have. Rob and I shared it so we could graze more. |
 |
| Deep fried deviled egg. I don't like deviled eggs, but I tried this anyway. It was actually pretty good. The deep fried batter covered up the egg flavor, which helped. Plus it came with a mustardy dipping sauce which I would have had all on its own. Mmm, paprika. |
 |
| More pork! This time with a BBQ sauce that was billed as spicy but was more like ketchup. The pork was very good, but not quite the same as the chop on a stick. |
 |
| The Shirley Templeton. The only thing I liked about drinking it was the cup. It is temperature sensitive so it was blue when it was empty and then turned purple when the drink was poured in. Honestly, it was the best thing from the $30 special event. I shall treasure this very expensive magical plastic cup always. |
 |
| Trying so hard to nibble on some turkey without spilling the cranberry wine in my sample cup. The event really needed a lot more tables. As it turns out, spilling the cranberry wine wouldn't have been the worst thing. |
No comments:
Post a Comment