Turbo Annoying

A number of months ago, we had to replace our washer and dryer. It is the third set we have had in our 34 years of life together. I had a few requirements. Most importantly, the appliances needed to be front-loaders on pedestals, as that is the only way my back can safely participate in laundry chores.

Yes, I know. A smarter woman would insist on bendy-over top-loaders and then opt out of all laundering while pointing sheepishly at her achy back. But Rob beat me to that sneaky punch very early in our marriage.

We had just returned home from our honeymoon. Rob was still wooing me, so he washed all our clothes, efficiently putting a creamy turtleneck purchased specifically for our December nuptial getaway in with some jeans and other darkish items. When the cream emerged from the dryer a dingy grey, I proclaimed two (printable) things. First, I was buying a replacement turtleneck posthaste. Second, Rob was henceforth and forevermore banned from doing our laundry. Rob admits this was one of his most brilliant oopsies ever.

So, front-loaders on pedestals. Plus an easily accessible filter on the washer, and satisfactory reviews by Consumer Reports. That was pretty much my list of washer and dryer needs a few months ago.

We ended up with an LG set that comes with an app and songs and steam and some sort of turbo wash thingy and promises of mold-resistant innards. It has proven to be a pretty sturdy set with one huge surprise: the turbo wash thingy – which looks like an optional setting but actually isn’t – apparently means our clothes are washed super duper fast. Like 20ish minutes for a large load. Is that normal these days??

While I should be excited that I can now whip through our three standard loads of laundry before lunchtime, I am actually rather annoyed. Doing laundry used to be a leisurely chore. It was something I could feel productive doing while mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, catching up on “The Masked Singer,” blogging, and staring at the cat.

While I might have looked lazy all sprawled out on the couch, I justified my repose by the fact that I Was Doing Laundry. I was accomplishing things! I was very busy being available to spring into action when all the buzzers buzzed. It could take most of a day to do laundry, what with all the sorting and loading and waiting and switching and waiting and unloading and folding and putting away and waiting.  It was enough to justify not making dinner. It was lovely.

But now, thanks to stupid technology, I barely get under my cozy blanket before I have to get up again to tend to the blasted clothing and linens. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Just when I get the last pair of clean socks tucked safely in their drawer, the cloying, electronic little ditty summons me to the laundry room once again. Laundry Morning – which used to be Laundry Day – is now punctuated by my repeated “How can it be done already?!?” “Why is it SO FAST?!?” mutterings as I stomp back and forth across the house. It’s not leisurely. It’s not relaxing. And it’s not an excuse to go out to dinner. Fie on you, TurboWash 360® Technology with Built-In Intelligence. You sounded so ambiguously helpful when I brought you home…

I just noticed there is a Speed Wash setting on the other side of the dial that I never use. Unless I want to relocate the couch to the laundry room, that little feature will remain a mystery.

I had to take the photo quickly, before one of the
cycles ended. Because the minutes indicators LIE.