Rob and I sometimes wonder if it is really worth the bucks to keep our satellite TV subscription. These days we don’t watch much more than the local news, some reality shows that are available online, and the occasional escapism and memories offered by TVLand.
The other night, though, I was flipping through channels and paused on a show I had never heard of. While I’m still not sure if our money is being well spent, I have to admit there’s something to be said for getting to peek into a world you never knew existed. The show was called Craft Wars and it is apparently a rather new offering on TLC…The Learning Channel. And learn I did.
The show is hosted and produced by Tori Spelling. You know, Aaron Spelling’s daughter who first made it big on BH Niner (what a friend and I used to call Beverly Hills 90210). It was Tori that sucked me into watching Craft Wars. Well, more specifically, it was her lips that grabbed my attention. They were rather distracting, all burgundy and squishy-looking and trout-pouty. It’s clear that having more money than God still can’t buy you reliable Botox. And it’s clear that young Hollywood has learned absolutely nothing from Priscilla Presley or Lisa Rhinna. So sad.
Anyway, once I finally started hearing what Tori’s lips were saying, I learned that “crafting” is now a verb. And a really big industry.
The premise of the show is a competition among three people who love to “craft.” They are given a challenge à la Iron Chef and have one hour to make an assigned item using an unusual ingredient. The end products are judged and one contestant is eliminated. The two remaining crafters get another similar assignment but get five hours to create something. The winner gets $10,000 and Tori’s eternal respect, or at least until the next episode.
The three judges were supposedly people I would know were I a serious crafter. Since I’m not, the judges are best described as a guy who really likes glitter, a woman who works for Michael’s (a sponsor) and really likes the proper use of tools (tools that, you know, you might buy at Michael’s), and a woman who was some sort of do-it-yourselfer but mostly just looked like that hot Italian chick on the Food Network.
Not being very crafty myself (I have a glue gun but I am largely afraid to use it), I was confused and amused by the enthusiasm and serious intensity of Tori, the three crafters, and the judges. As I giggled out loud, Rob joined me in watching the episode. It turned out to be delightfully heckle-able. It’s now on my TiVo list.
The first challenge (called the Pop Craft round, not sure why) was to create a keepsake box using pad locks and keys. The results were a gingerbread house thing with keys as decorations; a sandcastly thing with locks creating a collection of turrets; and a tooth fairy box with keys glued here and there with no real purpose.
The gingerbread house got kudos from the judges for the swanky lift-top but was criticized for not being lined inside with some cute fabric. The judges inexplicably LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the turrets of the sandcastle (which really just looked like a bunch of pad locks glued to a box top) but suggested the box was a boring color, it being the color of, well, sand. The tooth fairy box got credit for including a satiny pillow for tooth/cash exchange, but even Krafty Kathy had to admit her winged tooth fairy looked more like an elephant.
After some tense discussion…and a commercial break…the judges revealed their decision and Tori provided the episode’s best quote: “Krafty Kathy, it is time to pack up your glue gun and go home.” KK was devastated. A lot had been riding on her performance. Not just Tori’s validation of her craftability but the respect of her daughter’s cheer squad and, more critically, their mothers. KK slinked out of the studio in tears. It was very dramatic.
The two remaining crafters – a Margaret Cho look-alike in bright green eye shadow and a mom from Columbus whose “entire life is all about crafting!!!” – were then given the Master Craft Challenge. They were to create something to be used at a wedding using something old (silver candlesticks), something new (paper invitations), something borrowed (Tori’s collection of baby blankets. Yeah, I don’t know), and something blue (blue jeans).
During the challenge, the judges provided quiet commentary and expressed concern about the lack of thought here and the wrong use of materials there. Tori stopped by the work stations at the height of each crafter’s panic to snarkily point out mistakes that there was no time to fix. This solicited the desired reaction of downcast eyes of shame and submission. BAD CRAFTERS.
The end result, after much panic and flustering and comments like “This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do IN MY LIFE!” was a photo booth (Margaret Cho) and a Wishing Tree (Columbus mom with a very lonely husband). Both looked rather goofy and not something I can imagine any bride would choose to have at her wedding, regardless of her budget. Having not been to many weddings the last decade, I was out of the loop on the Wishing Tree concept. It was basically a hat rack wrapped in jeans with garlands of paper hanging from it on which guests were supposed to write encouraging words of wisdom to the lovely couple. Although it was not commented on by the judges, I noted that Columbus Mom did not provide pens. Duh! At this point it occurred to me that perhaps I was paying a bit more attention than I wanted to admit.
The winner? Columbus Mom. She used glitter AND some big hole punches you can get at Michael’s.
Second best quote of the episode: “Now my husband will know that all the glitter in our house was worth it!”
Tuesday nights at 8pm!
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