The dance of denial

Grandma was very relieved on Tuesday night when her tentative question about if we might watch the season finale of “Dancing with the Stars” was met with my reply of “Well, I’m set to record it so if you guys don’t want to watch it, I’ll be watching it after you go to sleep.” And so, our three out-of-state guests settled into our living room at 9:00PM last week while Rob escaped to the bedroom with WiFi and threats to tell us who won before the show was over.

But this post isn’t about “Dancing with the Stars.” Not entirely. But it is about one of the contestants. And her example.

Jennifer Grey of “Dirty Dancing” is now officially a “Dancing” star and champion. I really enjoyed watching her all season, increasingly dumbfounded that she is 50 years old. And has titanium in her neck. And danced and flipped and wore high-heel shoes daily for several months.

The network did its job, trying to find a hook for each of the contestants; a storyline, a personal life, something to broaden the interest beyond just Paso Dobles and Foxtrots. Jennifer’s story was her pain. Another reason she was a brighter star on my radar. Pain: I get that.

Years ago, the actress was in a car accident and has suffered back and neck pain ever since. When she finally decided to sign up for the dancing show, Jennifer deemed it prudent to go see a doctor first. Much to her surprise, the vertebrae in her neck were all messed up and she was one wrong move away from paralysis. And probably had been for several years. Intense daily pain but not enough to prompt a doctor visit? I get that. Denial is a powerful drug.

So she had an unplanned neck surgery, had some rods and screws inserted, and was given the green light to start dancing. I was amazed and she was my hero.

As the weeks danced on, it was clear Jennifer should win. She danced with precision and speed and elegance. In the “behind the scenes” footage each week, it was also clear that Jennifer’s pain was becoming a huge factor. She cried, she got mad, she popped meds and danced on. Willful determination: I get that.

At one point, Jennifer was in so much pain a doctor was called in and put on camera. Jennifer apparently had some very angry nerves in her leg and the pain was intense. The doctor told her to take it easy but stopped short of telling her to quit the show. It was suggested she would be taking a huge risk by continuing to dance. In fact, she could hurt herself permanently if she stayed in pursuit of a tacky mirror ball trophy. She talked to her Broadway-icon dad who gave her a “the show must go on” pep talk. So she sucked it up and danced even harder. While America cheered Jennifer’s grit and determination, my heart sank. I wanted to strangle her dad.

Leading up to Tuesday’s finale, during rehearsal Jennifer ruptured a disc. I’ve only had a bulging one; well, actually two. That’s some pretty ugly pain right there. I don’t want to imagine what it would feel like to have one burst. And I can’t imagine doing anything but lying in bed after a surgery to fix one. And yet…there Jennifer was. Smiling through the pain, trying not to cry, saying things like “I’m gonna finish what I started!” And she won. And (according to one of those Hollywood gossip shows) immediately after getting off camera, she grabbed her back, adjusted the ice pack that had been hidden under her costume, and stood there as tears of pain streaked her face.

What started out for me as an inspiring story of a determined woman living with and through her pain became a very disappointing one of a woman being stubborn and dangerous. I have been that stubborn, dangerous woman. I struggle every day not to be her again. And yet, stories like Jennifer’s make it hard to be sane and say no to stupidity. From all accounts, Jennifer’s tenacity in the face of pain is receiving accolades and respect and applause. People are impressed by how strong she is. She is a better person for having persevered. She is not a quitter.

Meanwhile, here I lie on the couch, exhausted and spasmy and achy from several days of merely cleaning, cooking, and hosting for a holiday. I didn’t dance, I didn’t wear high heels, Rob didn’t flip me over his back. Nevertheless, just because I celebrated Thanksgiving, today I popped prescription medications, I laid on my heating pad, I took a long hot shower, I intentionally zapped my muscles with electrical current to try to scramble the pain signals to my brain, I said “no” to all sorts of cleaning and chores. And I know that I did exactly what I needed to do today.

But examples like Jennifer Grey’s of denying pain and not accepting one’s limitations makes deciding to have days like today very hard. Although her story made for great dancing and suspenseful television, at its core Jennifer’s example on “Dancing with the Stars” was an irresponsible one.

Not the lesson I thought I was going to learn from watching her, but a lesson nonetheless.