The search for my Happy begins

It’s been more than a week now since I got a letter I wasn’t expecting until May. I’m still rather stunned and a bit annoyed. I’m coming around to happy and relieved.

According to the government, I’m still “totally and permanently disabled.”

Woo hoo for me.

This was so NOT the news I was expecting. And really, I am supposed to be happy about it because it means I get to continue receiving monthly checks from the government. Yippee. More life on the dole.

My private disability company is happy – cuz now they can continue paying me a portion of my benefit every month instead of the whole enchilada. Their lawyer is happy – cuz she won a case in 5 months that everyone assumed would take at least two appeals and 3-5 years to win. Apprapro of nothing, here’s one of the more fascinating articles I’ve read in a long time.

“Totally and permanently disabled” are hard words to swallow. I have been choking on them for the past 7 years. I was sort of liking the idea of no longer having them attached to me. They seem so, well, total and permanent.

To look at me, you probably wouldn't have the slightest hint that I have any physical troubles. This is largely because I have a high pain tolerance and a well-practiced ability to keep my pain largely hidden, especially when other people might be watching. But, it’s true. I can’t work. Not like I used to. Not like I planned to. Not like I want to. And this, hypothesized by the lawyer, is why I won my appeal. Goodie for me.

But everyone and their policies have different definitions of “work” and my ability to do it. There is some wiggle room, I’ve discovered. Some room for me to tiptoe back into the work force, albeit in a totally different capacity than what I envisioned at age 40. It will have to be part-time. It can’t involve standing or sitting for more than an hour at a time. I can’t lift anything over about 5 lbs. It would be awesome if it were rather flexible so that I could do it or not as my pain dictates. Oh, and it has to make me smile like Mel (see January 30, 2008 post).

I’ve been consumed the past 7 years with can’ts. I’m working hard to start seeing the cans. If you want to help open my eyes to possibilities, please don’t be shy. I'm all ears.