Paper, plastic, or Samsonite?

It's been a good long while since anything blog-worthy has appeared in The Local Rag. It's an awesome little weekly newspaper, worth every penny of free that we pay for it.

Although I always enjoy reading the latest hard-hitting animal story that headlines the front page, the Letters to the Editor is my favorite section. And folks, I don't believe we'll be able to top this one for a long time. Written by a local Mr. Young:

"This is addressed to the individual who called the police on the man seen walking across [our town] during the [annual celebratory] parade, wearing a bright orange safety vest and carrying a suitcase at his side. I will not curse this city, or this nation, by publicly stating the concern you had about my suitcase, but will you give me a break?

You people see me everyday. Although you don't know me, you see me all the time. I know I'm unorthodox and I have my quirks, but I'm no terrorist. Please tell me you were a visitor for I would be disappointed to find we have stupid paranoids living in [our town].

I realize this is an uncertain age in which we live, but it is a sad testimony that a man can not take his empty suitcase to a store to fill it with groceries without being detained by the police. I just thank God I am someone you people can trust."

The letter leaves me rather concerned on a few fronts.

First, doesn't he know that Blaze Orange is for huntin' season and that doesn't start until next month? Worse than wearing white shoes after Labor Day if you ask me.

Second, based on the author's vocabulary and sentence structure, I'd say we have nicely edu-ma-cated paranoids living here.

Third, is a suitcase more or less green than using a canvas tote from Trader Joe's for your groceries?

Fourth, I'm always a little unsettled when someone refers to others as "you people." Call me a stupid paranoid, but it just doesn't sound neighborly or consensus-building.

But most importantly, fifth... I have not seen this guy!! I am hugely disappointed that despite his claims, I have not seen him, I do not know him, and therefore I have not had the opportunity to assign him a kicky little nickname as I have for Pimp Daddy and Spatsman Clyde. Trust me, if this guy were truly the town eccentric he fancies himself to be, you all would have read about it.

And now pardon me as I go off in search of Suitcase Bob...