Maybe we should have picked "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" after all

Dedicated Woodhaven Ramblings readers (and God bless you, whoever you are!) may recall that Rob and I have an annual Valentine’s Day tradition of renting a movie and enjoying it with some pizza and wine. But not just any movie will do. We do our utmost to find the most spectacularly awful movie we can think of from the prior year. A movie so bad, we cringe and shake our heads and laugh at its horribleness until we cry.

We’ve had some real doozies ("Baby Geniuses" has no equal). And this year’s pick started out with such promise. It was horrible. The dialog was painful. The storyline was predictable from the opening credits. The lead actress was every bit of shallow and vacant as we expected. But then she got of out the way and the unsurprising plot suddenly became engaging and sweet enough that Rob and I ended up disappointed that the movie didn’t live up its reported wretchedness.

This year’s movie? Paris Hilton’s “The Hottie and the Nottie.”

The basic plot is Paris (the Hottie) is every guy’s dream from Day One of her blonde-haired, blue-eyed perky little life. But she has a revoltingly unattractive best friend (the Nottie) who runs interference for The Hottie as men continuously fawn and stalk and otherwise ooze over her. Enter a guy with a heart of gold, add a make-over artist, and you can write the rest of the flick yourself.

Should you elect not to rent this masterpiece on your own, here are the quotables Rob and I enjoyed enough to put down our wine glasses for and commit to paper:

Were you sniffing me? [Hottie to the Heart of Gold Guy]


That’s just my stalker, Randy. Hi, Randy!


A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.


Oh my God, it has whiskers. [Said about the Nottie]


No, she HAS teeth. Just not the conventional shade. [Said about the Nottie]


Nate, great news!! I just lost my toenail! [Said by the Nottie]


I have two words for you my man: lie.

I love midget mimes!

Are you quoting me “Flashdance”??

Don’t worry. That wasn’t a smelly one. I can tell by the way they sound.