Remember way back when “The Love Boat” was sort of like a floating People magazine? How you knew who was hot and all the rage by whether or not they were one of this week's guest stars? Well, aside from Charo. I don't know that she was ever popular enough to warrant so many bon voyages. My guess is producer Aaron Spelling was a big fan of her cuci cucis.
Anyway, those were the good old days. And I am here to tell you, they are long gone. Judging from the past week or so, these days a big cruise ship is now where their-glory-days-are-faaaar-behind-them performers come to fund their IRAs.
Aside from the random comedians and singers and dancers and bands and crew hired to entertain us, we have had two BIG HEADLINERS on our cruise so far. Open up another window in your browser and get ready to Google these two names that will blow your mind: Willie Tyler & Lester AND Adrian Zmed.
At first I didn't recognize Willie Tyler's name, but Lester sort of rang a bell. Rob said, “You know them, I know you do. Lester is a puppet.” And suddenly, the bell was clanking all over the place. Of course! Willie and Lester were THE African-American dummy act of the '60s and '70s. Not that I can name any other black puppeteers off the top of my head, but I do recall Lester with his afro, wire-rimmed glasses, and smart-alecky personality. He and his human voice were on shows like Merv Griffin and Michael Douglas and Dinah Shore. And as Rob astutely nailed it, they were often the top right square on Hollywood Squares. You know, where Waylon & Madam sat. So with some excitement but more curiosity, Rob and I sat in on the 10:15pm performance somewhere between Cartagena and Panama. The best word to sum up the evening: ouch.
Poor Willie. He really was trying. He opened his show with a montage of TV clips and photos proving his credentials to indeed be billed as “The Legendary Willie Tyler & Lester.” David Letterman, Johnny Carson, Dolly Parton, Richard Pryor, Sammy Davis Jr., the cast of “Laugh In.” And Willie looked great. He must be in his 60s or 70s but neither he nor Lester looked like they had aged a bit. Sadly, their act had.
Willie and Lester told jokes, sang, cracked some one-liners about cruise life. And...crickets. Lester commented a few times that maybe it was past the audience's bed time and stared at us in hopes of producing a laugh or snicker. And...crickets. Determined to fulfill his contract, Willie soldiered on and did a ham-bone routine he said was a hit when they did a special guest appearance on “The Jeffersons.” And...light applause. Honestly, it was so very painful. More painful than when Rob and I went to see Bob Newhart a few years ago. At least then, even though his act was old and his timing was off a bit, the audience applauded and laughed out of respect for Bob. With Willie and Lester, the biggest laughs of the night came when a member of the audience provided hands for Lester. Otherwise, people just sipped their pina coladas, daring Lester to a staring contest.
The grand finale was a reenactment of the classic Abbott & Costello “Who's on First?” routine, with Lester wearing a baseball hat. Fortunately, the writing for that routine is brilliant enough that Willie and Lester's version produced some long-awaited applause and laughter to end the evening. Word on the ship was that the 8:15p shows were much better received. Nevertheless, Willie looked like he couldn't get off the ship fast enough when we almost literally ran into him a few days later on the 5th floor when we were disembarking in Cartagena. Rob thanked him for the show and I demonstrated amazing restraint by not asking if Lester was in the yellow suitcase. Willie showed appreciation for both as he whisked himself off the ship, hopefully check in hand.
Taking Willie's place on our way to Costa Rica was our next Google subject: Adrian Zmed. Yes, Adrian Zmed of “Grease 2” and “TJ Hooker” fame. This suddenly explained why the Movie Under the Stars back in Aruba was “Grease 2.” His act was billed as “Adrian Zmed in Concert” so we weren't sure what we were in for. Boy, did we get a Zmeducation.
Like Willie, Adrian treated us to his photo resume and video portfolio. He is well-aware that his heyday was the late '70s and early '80s. Although he's in pretty good shape for a guy his age, Adrian nonetheless had back-up singers hitting high notes for him and he had to catch his breath after a few song-and-dance numbers. He had towels stashed around the stage so he could pause and wipe up the sweat on his face and hair throughout his performance. By the end of the show, his once-flowing locks were dripping wet. Oh. So. Sexy. To help distract us from his past-his-primeness and to remind of us how hot his career once was, Aid kept a montage going on large screens around the stage showing videos of him on “Dance Fever” and with Tom Hanks in the self-described cult classic “Bachelor Party.” We also got to relive his days as Danny Zucko on Broadway and were treaty to images of him with '80s girl hair and Milli-Vanilli outfits that he really should not be proud of..and yet he obviously was.
Of course, my most favorite part of the In Concert was when Adrian launched into a shtick about TV theme songs, trying to get the audience to sing along to “Come on Get Happy” (Partridge Family) and “I Love Lucy.” This evolved seamlessly into the theme song from “The Love Boat” with the accompanying footage from Adrian's appearance as a love interest for the post-adolescent Vicky Stubing. I bounced in my seat with glee when I discovered the photo I snapped of his guest star face in the ship's wheel turned out. I'll post it when I get home.
Even though Adrian's show was also at 10:15pm, he got a much livelier reception than Willie and Lester. But honestly, Aid's ego trip down memory lane was so much fun for him, I think he would have had a blast even if he, too, had been met with crickets. He truly did put on a fun, entertaining show, though, even if most of the audience had no idea who he was nor that he used to be somebody. At least they were awake.
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