Winter Wallop of 2017

Portland Metro Resident: “We have weak and mostly mild winters around here.”
Winter 2017: “Hold my beer.”

Rob found that apt summary in a weather blog a few days ago while we were simultaneously under a freezing rain watch, a high wind advisory, and a flood watch. This after three “snow events” and an ice storm that had us bewildered as to when and why we moved to the Midwest.

We’ve been hunkered down at Woodhaven pretty much all year. Counting New Year’s Day until today, I think we got off our hill five times. It might have been four. Or maybe it was six? Everything’s sort of smushed together. Is today Monday or Saturday?

There was a Tuesday and a Friday and a Saturday that we escaped. We went to a birthday party, stood in line at Costco, and got burritos and pastrami sandwiches that somebody else cooked for us. Thank God. So tired of cooking.

One day last week, in between storms, we went to a local grocery store and stopped just after we entered. The people, the colors, the activity, the overwhelming food options. It was a lot to take in and it was intoxicating.

Glorious warm rain finally arrived yesterday. We saw our grass for the first time since New Year’s Eve. And our driveway. And color. So much color that wasn’t white!

This morning as I was leaving our neighborhood with the freedom lust of a 16-year-old who just got her driver’s license, I saw this:

I actually signaled to the guy so I could tell him how happy I was to see him.

“Yeah, we weren’t able to pick up anything last week,” he apologized over the sounds of breaking glass.

“We haven’t had any garbage or recycling pick-ups at all this year.”

He suddenly understood my unmitigated glee in seeing him.

So yeah, it’s been a very long 18 days. Lots of white, lots of cold, lots of ice, lots of stir crazy.

One of the better road days.  And sun!  And 20 degrees.  Sigh.

I’m happy to report that Rob and I still quite like each other after having spent nearly three weeks within beckoning distance of one other. The secret was keeping ourselves amused and occupied.

And so with that, here’s how I entertained myself during Snowpocalypse 2017:

• Crocheted 2 headbands in hopes of stylishly hiding the skunk line that is boldly appearing in my second month of not coloring my hair. This after reintroducing myself to the finer points of a half-double crochet stitch via the wonders of YouTube and a patient guy named Mikey.

Is it working?



• Caught up on all seven of this season’s episodes of “Jane the Virgin” whom I was relieved to discover no longer has that title now that her hubby Michael has finally recovered from the gunshot fired by that woman who peeled her face off.  #telenovelasareweirdandaddictive

• Made bread from scratch – TWICE! Fine, it was in my bread machine, but it still counts! I remain utterly mystified how I had all the ingredients on hand without any plans to bake…anything. I did however have to restock on flour today.

• Calculated year-end taxes and W-2s for our two church employees, per my duties as the church treasurer. Also updated my handy payroll spreadsheet with federal withholdings calculations. Let it be known I completed these tasks earlier than I ever have in my 5 year treasurer tenure. Truly, there was no end to the snow captive excitement here at Woodhaven.

I also got into cleaning mode:

• Cleaned out the filter on our front-loader washing machine. I was rewarded one penny and some black goop for my efforts.

• Cleaned out the filter on our dishwasher. Rewarded more black goop and a piece of macaroni.

• Dusted 10 sets of blinds. The long way, with a Swiffer thing. Mostly because it had been so long since I had cleaned them that the fast way with the vacuum cleaner still left enough dust to write in.





• Cleaned out an overflowing folder of food-splattered recipes. They are now tidily organized in wipeable plastic sheet protectors in a binder with tabs and everything.

• Cleaned out my cookbook stash. Yes, I sort of loathe cooking. As a result, I have an embarrassingly large collection of cookbooks, each one acquired with the prayer that it would be The Answer to my magically and successfully preparing healthy, delicious, fast meals with minimal effort. Note: despite promises, this cookbook does not exist. Many proofs of this deception may now be found at our local Goodwill thanks to Rob’s delivery this morning.

• Organized my “fancy” shoe collection by taking pictures of each shoe and taping it on the end of the corresponding shoe box so I can literally see my options at a glance. Brilliant, I think. And only accomplished when one is housebound and already has clean blinds.





Lots of black heels, but each pair so very different in her own way.



• Watched a video on the best way to fold socks. I promptly determined that the 15 second criss-cross-fold-tuck-and-flip method was way more work than baking bread in a bread machine and thus resigned myself to the inefficiencies of the Roll-and-Smash Method.

• Cleaned out the fridge. Like, I took out food and shelves and attacked all surfaces with soap and a sponge. Unfortunately, my project significantly exacerbated the overflowing trash and recycling situation. However, I am proud to say that my most out-of-date item was only three years old: a largely unused bottle of stir fry sauce from 2014. Corresponding cookbook now featured at Goodwill.

Typically prominent but missing: copious take-out containers

And I got into online shopping mode:

• Ordered some more fancy all-natural deodorant that I have been using for about six months. I’m usually not an all-natural-products sort of gal, but this stuff is awesome and the lavender scent is like aromatherapy in my armpits. Plus I *think* I might even be able to wear it to a mammogram. Which if you’ve ever had a mammogram scheduled for 4:00pm, you know is a pretty big deal. AND they send awesome confirmation emails.





• Ordered some socks. Not just any old socks, authentic Sock Monkey socks. The really warm, brown kind with a red heel. I had planned to augment them with an adorable pair with monkeys on them, but inexplicably the pair I wanted is only available in kids’ sizes. I can’t say that’s the first time that’s happened.





Understated yet adorable sock monkeyness...for kids only.  Boo!



• Convinced Rob to finally buy the snow plow attachment for our riding mower. We have a 4-6 hour shoveling driveway, depending how thick the snow is. After watching Rob clear our driveway twice within ten days, each time using an old fashioned shovel and many back muscles, I proclaimed “Never again!” The attachment should be arriving any day now, guaranteeing that Woodhaven will not see plowable snow again for at least 3 years.





Snow action shot!  And the beginning of a very long shovel day.



• Booked a Caribbean cruise for March. Yes, we were cold and punchy and so very tired of seeing frozen water outside our windows. And one of us might have been sipping a snowgarita. But we hadn’t yet decided on our annual “Let’s Find the Sun Trip” so a cruise to a warm locale seemed like an inspired idea. Days later, now that we are thawed out and our lawn is green again and it got up to 51.9 degrees outside…still inspired? Yah man!

Snowgarita:  One blender full of lightly packed snow, tequila and mix to taste

• Made of list of how I amused myself during my unplanned snowcation

Everyone's a winner!