Clinton and Stacy would be horrified, too.

Like most other women, I hate buying jeans. Absolute, positive torture. Like all women, I’ve got a waist, a butt, and two hips. Trying to find jeans that appreciate my unique proportions of these body parts is much like trying to find a diet that allows unlimited and impressive amounts chocolate, wine, spaghetti, and Smartees while still fitting into that one glorious pair of jeans I found 2 years ago and really need to replace.

So yes, two years ago, I had a Moment of Shopping Bliss and found a pair of perfect jeans at The Gap. They were some sort of low-mid-rise-boot-cut-curvy thing. I loved them so much, I bought two pairs. Three months later, I wanted more. I fell back in (if you know that commerical reference, welcome. You are my people.), grabbed two more pairs off the shelf and planned to shop like a man. Meaning, I wasn’t going to try them on because, well, the right size and style were right there on the tag. However, my estrogen surged back into place and I dutifully went into the dressing room. I emerged crushed and confused. The unsympathetic waif at the counter explained that The Gap had redesigned my low-mid-upper-east-rise-boot-cut-curvy pant to “better fit our customers.” Thus ended my reign as The Gap’s Most Grateful Customer.

Nevertheless, I still had my two constantly-worn pairs of great jeans that felt good and looked good. I was empowered by Fashion finally allowing me to have hips. Hippy = Hip. Hallelujah! Then came that awful moment last spring when Straight Leg Jeans were announced as THE new jean style. OK, I remember the ‘80s, the last time Straight Leg Jeans were new. I was a teenager in the ‘80s. I was also a stick-figure in the ‘80s. I not only wore straight legged pants back then, I ‘pegged’ them with safety pins to hug my ankles. I can barely imagine it now, but I wanted to make my hips look bigger so I looked more curvy. Only a 17 year old with four-digit metabolism would do something so horrifying. Now a wise woman of 38, I knew this awful Straight-Leg throw back to 1986 would be short-lived. And I was right.

I direct your attention to Page 119 of the February 5, 2007 issue of People magazine. “Get the Look!” it cries on the page titled “Style Watch.”

“Winter may have just begun, but stars are already stepping out in one of the hottest trends for spring: high-waisted jeans.”

Shoot me now. But be sure I’m in my perfect jeans first.