An evening with Master Ras

Even by my count, it was an odd night. Entirely by my own choice, on Tuesday night I found myself in a distant Moose Lodge learning discarding strategies for cribbage.

Yup.

A Cribbage Evangelist convinced me to go. She had me at “You can learn how to beat Rob.” So we made the two hour Vicodin-soothed trek to study under Master Ras, a Cribbage God.

I’d never been in a Moose Lodge before. Strangely, it wasn’t that far off what I had imagined. It was dark and paneled and filled with lots of vinyl and people at least twice my age. Several were clinging to a poker table, seemingly happy for a Boys Night Out. It was Tuesday after all. The ballroom had parquet flooring, a disco ball, tinsel left over from an obvious St. Patrick’s Day blow-out, and lots of long buffet tables around the perimeter. It was here that Cribbage Class was called to order.

Ras is in his 70s and is well-known in the cribbage world. He was dressed in high-waisted pants, a sweatshirt advertising a previous vacation, and a blue baseball hat. The hat was one of those plastic net baseball hats with the foam-like front. Printed on the front was “I ♥ Cribbage” and it was surrounded by at least 20 pins from various tournaments. It sat high and proud on Ras’s head as he began the class with a short 15 minute recap of his recent medical concerns.

The title of the class (it is a multi-week series; this was Week 3) was “Discarding Effectiveness – Pone.” Right away I knew I had entered into a sub-culture. Pone? Is that a typo? What the heck? I soon deduced that “Pone” is cribbage lingo for “Opponent.” I also soon deduced that there is much Cribbage Lingo. In order to “Talk Crib” like a pro, you need to toss in a few of these: one, deuce, trey, five-spot, balking card, triplet, nob, pegging, key connector, board position, and loading your crib. If you want definitions, I’ll need to refer to my notes. At one point during play, I got a hand called Raggedy Ann. I still have no idea what that is, if it was a good thing or a bad thing, why it is named after a doll, nor if there is such a thing as a Raggedy Andy. All I know is my pone was quite pleased to point it out to me.

The focus of the class was learning what 2-discard combinations are most effective at minimizing how many points your pone gets from your cards. I have 12 pages of information and analysis on this, 12 pages that Rob is still trying desperately to find. The analysis is based on about 20 years of data Ras has collected during play. It is here that I was at once in love and terrified.

Ras has the most beautiful collection of spreadsheets. He can tell you with statistical reliability the odds of giving up any number of points from throwing any pair of cards to your pone. I stared at Ras, his flip charts, his 3-decimal-places averages, and his spreadsheets in utter awe. At one point, I was tempted to point out that the margin of error for his analysis of throwing a pair of 8’s was pretty high, given he had only seen that in play 182 times. I decided that was a bit geeky and show-offy so I kept my mouth shut. I was head-over-heels when Ras noted this part of his analysis wasn’t as strong for that exact reason. It was getting a little warm in there, what with all the spreadsheets and data points and such, so I was relieved when Ras declared it time to play and put our new insights into action. This is where I realized that I was in way over my head.

My pone was an eager man named Chris. I was reluctant since my head was swimming with statistics. But he seemed really, really eager so I agreed to play. His hands moved around like a magician’s, all floaty and swirly and fast. Maybe it was the Vicodin. Anyway, he shuffled and made all sorts of gestures suggesting I needed to do something. It turns out I was supposed to cut the cards…THIS way. It quickly became clear Chris was an advanced player. I apologized for being so slow. Suddenly I couldn’t count. I started mumbling. I counted on my fingers a few times. I made some rookie mistakes. I got some really lucky cards. I ended up beating him. We were both stunned and embarrassed. We quickly began another game. It went faster and was more floaty. Chris spoke of strong and weak board position and playing defensively. I nodded knowingly, having no idea what he was talking about. It came down to the last hand. I made a really stupid mistake and Chris decisively won. We were both relieved.

I finished up my popcorn, shook Ras’s hand, and prepared for the 2 hour return trip to my own little sub-culture called Woodhaven. It was indeed a very interesting night, proving once again that no matter who you are or what you like to do, there is a group for you. Perhaps even lurking in a Moose Lodge along I-5.