Nothing like a woman unscorched

I’m sorry to say I still have all my taste buds. Despite valiant efforts to burn a few off, nothing kicked me to the curb at the Fiery Foods Show in Albuquerque on Saturday. Yes, that’s right, Rob and I flew all the way to New Mexico just so I could follow my passion of eating condiments that require protective clothing and toothpicks to dispense.

I went with such hope. One friend asked what I was most looking forward to at the festival. My reply: Having my butt whomped by some ungodly hot salsa or sauce. I really wanted to be taken down. And I was prepared. I wore my glasses so that when my eyes burned, my contacts wouldn’t curl up. I had two brand new travel packs of Kleenex. I lugged around a pound of authentic New Mexico tortillas (SO fluffy from all that tasty lard they use) to cut the heat. I wore a dark red t-shirt so that my spills would be camouflaged. I had our camera so Rob could document my defeat. And the result? Ho hum.

The hotel ballroom, whose carpet was covered in plastic tarps and duct tape, was a tad crowded with wall-to-wall fellow masochists. We all bustled around in a frenzy, each desperately seeking our own personal little pepper high. Vendors at each booth were eager to pitch their concoctions. It seems every last one of them won a Scovie award of some sort, calling into question just how discriminating this contest of hot and spicy foods really is. Smells a lot like a marketing ploy to me. Anyway…

I did manage to bring home a few favorites. Drat the airline security rules limiting my carry-on liquids. And drat those numerous vendors for only taking cash. I did NOT appreciate these restrictions, although I’m quite sure Sherpa Rob did.

So making the sadly undefeated trip home with me were: a tangy bottle of Danny Gash’s “Bottled Up Anger” (habanero garlic hot sauce); a can’t-wait-for-BBQed-hot-dog-season jar of NunDunBetter Chile Mustard; a bag of Texas Choice Chili Mix Hot that Rob tried and agreed he could tolerate; and a little bag – 3 whole servings worth – of a really creamy Sunny’s Holiday Green Chile Cinnamon Hot Chocolate Mix. I also have business cards for future online purchases of Byron Bay Chilli Co’s “Fiery Coconut Chilli Sauce with Curry and Ginger,” and Grumpy’s “Goodnight-Loving BBQ Sauce." So, the trip was not a total loss by any means. It just wasn’t quite the beg-for-mercy extravaganza my calloused taste buds were hoping for. Tra la la.