It shouldn’t be that hard of a question. “What sort of work do you do?” used to be a benign little ice breaker to get the conversation flowing. After five years of practice, Rob and I still fumble for an answer. We’ve mostly settled on “We’re sort of retired.” And that is usually met with silence and an awkward hiccup in the conversation. And thus we hiccuped on Monday as we sat across from Jannet at a local bank to open a checking account.
Our New Account process was humming right along. We learned Jannet loves our town and rarely leaves its limits. Hard to imagine how she shops. We learned our new bank started 60 years ago just down the street next to the dairy. Jannet learned we were annoyed with our Big Bank after nearly 20 years and were abandoning them. She learned we used to live near San Francisco. She learned our Social Security numbers. Then she asked Rob, “So what sort of work do you do?”
Awkward smile, a glance at each other, a hesitation. “Well, we’re….ummm…sort of retired.” Wide eyes, gears doing fast math on the birthdates we revealed moments before. Eventually, “Wow – I wish I were!” Looking at Rob, Jannet – who looked to be about our age – then asked, “So what sort of work did you retire from?” Rob explained that he used to be an engineer designing medical devices. “Wow!” Turning to me, looking full of wonder, Jannet then said, fingers poised above her keyboard, “And you’re a housewife then?”
Excuse me? What? Where did THAT come from?
“Umm, no, I’m retired, too. On disability, actually.” I took a breath, ready to answer her next question with a brief sentence or two about my 13 year career in research. Nothing. No questions. No interest. Just typing. I decided “Retired” must have been a sufficient answer. We moved on to discussing safe deposit boxes.
Looking later at a copy of our completed application, Rob’s listed occupation is “Retired” and mine is indeed “Housewife.” I’m still mulling this over. I have never thought of myself as a housewife. On our recently completed tax return, Rob’s occupation is “Amateur winemaker” and mine is “Writer.” We figured, what the heck, may as well try those titles on for size. I’m still not sure “Writer” fits, but it sure feels more comfy than “Housewife.” But, then, what is a housewife? A woman who hangs out at home, takes care of the house and cooking, does the shopping and laundry, runs errands, keeps things flowing for the family. Yep, that’s me. Of course, I have a lot of help from Rob since there are a number of things my back won’t let me do. I guess I’d be less unsettled if Rob’s occupation were listed as “Househusband” because, really, when it comes to the house we both pull our respective weights. I’m just not sure why Rob gets to be retired and my career disappeared.
It’s an interesting identity crisis, this unexpected early retirement. As much as I’d like to stand on my soapbox and refuse to be labeled, titles and labels are how we organize and understand our world. We all need them to figure out where we all fit. A paying job gives you a title, even if it’s a temporary one. Kids give you a title, even if there’s no paycheck. Being in school gives you a title, as well as one in the making. Me, I’m still looking for my title. Jannet happened to give me one I hadn’t considered. Much pondering still left to do.
6 comments:
Don't forget to consider also who is using the title. Most of is have more than one -- what my co-workers use is not the same as what my friends from chorus use, for example.
What matters most is the title you give yourself, not the ones others give you -- and especially not ones given you by strangers.
Actually, considering that she doesn't know you, her assumption of "housewife" is more a comment abort the societal norms of the area you've moved to than about you.
For what little it's worth, here are some other titles you could try on for size: manager, entrepreneur, commentator, Internet journalist. Oh, and friend.
When I feel like asking this question, I try to use "what do you do?" Then it's up to the other person to decide whether they self-identify by how they earn their living, or by other factors. When I'm asked this, I like to answer "well, I'm raising a couple kids, I make some wine, do a little photography, that sort of thing."
When the "work" word is used, if you don't feel like going into it, just say "consulting" :-)
Another mildly interesting story, my sister-in-law likes to tell about her son being asked by a school counselor about his parents. Son answers "my dad plays in a bluegrass band and my mom rides horses." All true, but a somewhat different picture of family life than "my dad's an engineer for Intel and my mom's a nurse," which was also true.
Thanks so much for your comments, both of you. You're right, SR, the most important title is the one I give myself. Yet I'm still not sure what that is. I used to know but now...not so much. It's a conversation Rob and I have frequently. It should be very freeing to claim any title for oneself. I guess I just want it to be real and authentic. That being said, I really like your idea, SM, of answering "what do you do?" with a list of my joys and hobbies and leaving the work part a mystery. I'm gonna give that a spin next time someone asks. And here's an idea -- maybe I'll leave my back out of it! :-)
I dont think that Homemaker is such a bad job. I would do it if it didnt require skimpy under garments.
From now on, you should answer with wierd answers, cat groomer, pine needle counter, things like that. It really does not matter what your occupation is, not to them anyways.
And to me, your job will always be editor and the calming voice.
I know what you mean about the term "homemaker." For whatever reason (probably the 1950's image it conjures) I, too, am unsettled when it's applied to me. I think for me, part of the problem is that first impressions are made based on these small snippets of information and "housewife" is not the first thing I want people to know about me. You say "I'm a farmer" and people ask you what you plant. You say "I'm a Stockbroker" and people talk about Wall Street. I say "I'm a housewife" and people ask what? What's my favorite cleaning supply?!!!!
That is in small part what motivates me to dabble in my little businesses, so that I have a different answer to give. Because while most of my time is indeed spent doing "housewifely" activities it's not what I choose to see in the mirror.
I can't wait to hear what creative title you end up giving yourself!!!
Thanks, Eileen. Maybe there was a time when 'housewife' was a title most women were proud to own, but I don't think that's been the case in the past 30 years. Once women's lib kicked in and so many women entered the workforce, 'housewife' seemed to be the title everyone was running fast and hard to get away from. It will be fascinating to see what the daughters of our generation do with the title.
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