Back to basics

The past few weeks have been a bit of a learning experience. I hope.

It seemed that out of nowhere my back was hurting like it hasn’t in years. I was suddenly popping pain medication like M&Ms and rationing an expired prescription until I could get a refill. I suddenly had a new type of pain which scared the bejesus out of me. I suddenly craved cold packs instead of my heating pad. It all seemed to come without warning.

This is the power of a mind in denial and a will that is often a touch too strong.

The truth is, I’ve been ignoring my back for months. I’ve been arrogantly pretending I don’t really have a back problem. As the 5 year anniversary of my second surgery came and went about a month ago, I silently said, “HA!” In my mind, I was still taking care, still aware that I have limitations. But in reality, I was living a more active life than was wise and powering through without much real thought. And then all of a sudden, the screams (in the form of spasms) got loud enough that even I couldn’t ignore them.

My poor back. I really haven’t given it the respect it deserves. I’ve viewed it as an adversary, an opponent, an annoyance that gets in my way and keeps me from living the life I want. And so I push it. I ignore it. I defy it. I stubbornly do what I want to do, back be damned. And once again, in the end, it wins. You’d think I’d learn.

So, back to physical therapy exercises. Back to daily DVDs. Back to trying not to care about housework or the roses. Back to laying down in public. Back to working my life around my back instead of my back around my life. Back, back, back.

A few days ago I had a chance conversation with a neighbor who is trying to recover from knee surgery. He was weed whacking as I passed his house on my walk. He told me with frustration that he was two weeks behind in his rehabilitation because he had fallen while hauling tree limbs. He was nearly exploding with anxiety and frustration and desperation that his tender knee was getting in the way. I suddenly saw myself in him, saw myself from a distance, and saw how normal and counterproductive my willful, stubborn approach has been. I’m not sure how many 2x4s I need to thwack me in the head. Hopefully this time, I’m finally getting it.